Friday, February 14, 2003

After sleeping a scant four hours yesterday, I believe I am well prepared to offer pearl upon pearl of wisdom for you, gentle stalker. Ready? Let’s go!

In the past week and a half, I have received no fewer than three inquiries about why I traipse around campus in a thin jacket. The answer to these inquiries, I am afraid, will have dire implications of a global scale. So I will tell you a true story—and by “true story,” I mean a tale consisting of fiction and fiction alone—that will explain all, but I will refrain from doing so tonight.

Instead, I am compelled to share this breaking piece of news with you. At about 12:50 AM Central Standard Time, Patrick, one of my normally docile suitemates, wandered into my room. After I complained to him about the dearth of news that I have to offer you, dear reader, Fate cruelly decided to make news right before my eyes. As for my eyes, well—let me suggest that mayhap I need to CLAW THEM OUT after I finish this report.

You see, Brandon, another one of my normally docile suitemates, wandered into my room at about 12:52 AM. And then…cripes above, the IMAGES! And then, Patrick promptly stopped offering advice and turned his full attention to Brandon, along with his full body weight. He launched himself onto Brandon’s back, a la koala from Hell, and proceeded to engage in what I can only describe as homodoic behavior.

Brandon screamed, doubtless out of happiness, and the affair ended as quickly as it began. For those of you who don’t know, homodo allegedly originated in Korean churches and entails repressed sexual behavior becoming un-repressed. It apparently occurs only between men, though, and usually straight men. I found this useful bit of information via Christian fellowship, incidentally.

I’m certain some kind of literary irony exists in the story. Patrick and Brandon are, after all, happily attached to ladyfolk. At this hour, however, I need literary analysis as much I need a sharp knock on my skull with a brick.