Sunday, March 2, 2003

While pondering over the intricate metaphysics of Renaissance science fiction, gentle reader, my thoughts turned to you. Have you ever wondered how you managed to get into college? Or for that matter, how you managed to gain basic literacy?

These questions unsettle me. What if many “gentle readers” are actually illiterate? That would limit them to drooling over the quaint olive-green border and to clicking on the links. No, I shan’t even entertain the thought! I shan’t! I shan’t! I cater to the literati, to the intelligentsia. Right? Right.

Assuming you can read, consider this: Have you ever sympathized with Spot the Dog or Jack and Jill? Today, I thought back to the bygone years of my childhood, and Spot and the Up the Hill siblings cried out for vengeance. They demanded justice.

“Why?” you ask, speaking the first–and last–time for tonight.

We fault the Germans for producing violent fairy tales, but are our disenfranchised characters any less wronged, I ask you? You know dogs spend most of their time sleeping, don’t you? So where were you when your first-grade teacher compelled Spot to run over and over again? Where were you when Jack and Jill went up the hill, only to discover the double infirmities of Developing Nation Syndrome and head trauma? I ask you, dear reader, what modern-day country necessitates hiking up a frickin’ HILL to fetch a pail of water? Where’s the running water? And you know that Jack broke his “crown,” don’t you? This isn’t the headwear you pick up at Burger King, understand, but rather the HEAD ITSELF.

Well, I’m fairly riled up now, so to prevent an aneurysm, I will suggest this: if you have kids, gentle reader, wean them off of Aesop and Mother T. Goose.

“What does the “T” stand for?” you ask, disobeying my earlier command.

“TWISTED,” I reply with bloodshot eyes.

Wean your children off of these hacks and put them on a healthy diet of Secondhand Rants. They will become active citizens who will contribute mightily to the community. Cross my heart and hope to die.