Wednesday, March 5, 2003

Have you ever noticed, gentle reader, how much more fun the world seems with THREE HOURS OF SLEEP? Everyone appears to bump into you, shame on them, and everyone talks just a bit too loudly. And those damn squirrels and those dirty seagulls openly flout your bipedal dominance by scampering just a little bit nearer to you. Your campus starts to look like this, and I’m being optimistic here.

This all started last Monday, a fateful day that found me treating myself to a term paper. And you know what? I liked that term paper SO MUCH that I decided to treat myself to another one the next day, then another one on Thursday. I treated myself to yet another one yesterday night. Gentle reader, my sanity hangs by a thread, and if one more seagull flies overhead me, I swear…

Deep breaths, gentle CEO, deep breaths. I’m thankful for the work, I’m thankful for the sun, I’m thankful for my health, and I’m thankful for fine Mexican cuisine. There, I feel much better.

My Hedonistic midterm mongering ended at noontime today, and I groggily stumbled out of class to a four-star lunch with gentle reader Ann. After lots of productive reading–to calculate the number of pages I read, please find the derivative of 2–we proceeded to shop impulsively.

I walked out with nothing, but poor Ann walked out with these. This is when I warn you, gentle reader, of these abominations. Beware of these pens! Pentel clearly hates college students. They apparently reinvented the “Buy 1, Get 1 Free” idea: Buy a package of two of these pens, and I promise you that one of the two will not work. Such an outrage, of course, necessitated returning the pens. Twice. Only in Evanston does this kind of intrigue happen, gentle reader. Thank goodness for consumer advocacy and sad puppy-dog eyes. The moral of the story? Seize your free market privileges, gentle reader, with a vengeance.

I had something very important to tell you, but do you know what’s scary? Gnomes are pretty scary. I’m treating myself to a group paper tonight and I’m not sharing any of it with you.