Sunday, April 6, 2003

“It’s Sunday evening,” you rasp out in your Tiny Tim voice, precariously leaning on your remaining crutch for support, “so could you offer me some advice for the coming school week?”

“Of course, gentle reader,” I reply. “Here, have a seat.”

I rip the crutch out from under your arms, sending you on your rump.

“Ouch, that hurts!” you exclaim. “Although I’m sure it won’t hurt as much as being denied your bountiful wisdom.”

Oh, how much you have learned, gentle reader. I’ll give you some tidbits on how to get the full $2500 return from each of your courses. These three suggestions came to me while I wasted away in inorganic chemistry lectures during freshman year. I guarantee that you too will become the flea’s knees by following these directions TO THE LETTER.

First, as soon as you hit the twentieth minute of lecture, emit a yelp, hug yourself, and shiver for a good three minutes, making sure to rock back and forth for effect. You should you do this not only because I told you to do so, but also because it’s performance art. What you accomplish, dear reader, is a melding of your inside voice and your outside voice.

As soon as you hit minute thirty, take out a bag of cookies–bring cookies that have cream in them, such as these puppies–and do the classic split-the-cookie routine. Here’s the catch: Not only should you scrape the cream from your cookies with your fingernails, but you should also consolidate the cream into ONE BIG BALL. After constructing a substantive ball of cream, turn to your immediate right, smile at your neighbor, and drop the ball onto his/her desk. Did you get that last part, gentle reader? It’s very important.

You’re in the homestretch when you reach minute forty-five, so this calls for the grand finale. Take your cookie creamy hands, grip the sides of your desk, and shout, “No, I shan’t! You can’t make me! I shan’t! I shan’t!” Do that four or five times in succession with aplomb that would make Mister Walesa blush.

There you have it. Try these tips out tomorrow and mail me the results, would you?