Wednesday, May 14, 2003

I come before you, gentle reader, with some interviewing tips. Any job seeker will tell you that interviewing is a breeze these days, and I’m sure you have the basics down. What I’m offering you, understand, are tips that will help you refine your presentation and give you style. Let’s begin, shall we?

As for readers who have actually interviewed, please SHUT UP.

1. Always bring lots of food to your potential employer, making sure to select the most pungent of dishes from your respective culture. Dining, as you well know, is central to American culture, so make sure to share with your interviewer. Do not, however, bring any forks, plates, knives, or spoons. This vital step will necessitate a mad search for utensils, which you may proactively transform into a teamwork and trust-building session.

2. Break wind loudly and at frequent intervals. Don’t ask me why, dear reader, just follow my instructions.

3. “Appear relaxed and confident,” interviewing lore tells us, so strip down to your loungewear and put your feet up on the nearest table. Your interviewer will probably tense up, a sure sign for you to massage him or her. Recall that I am the very model of efficiency; this step will instantly acquaint you with company policy on sexual harassment.

4. Eat more of your food. Eat some of the food on your interviewer’s plate.

5. Break wind.

6. Lean over to your interviewer, look deeply into his/her eyes, sigh, admire them, and then poke them.

7. Sprint out of the office to demonstrate your athletic ability.

8. Massage all of the administrative assistants whom you can get your hands on.

9. Run back and eat more of your interviewer’s food.

10. Break wind.

11. Leave.