Monday, August 18, 2003

Have you ever wanted to get rid of certain members of your extended family, gentle reader? You know whom I’m talking about–that one uncle who’s just a little too creepy, that stray aunt who yaps more than a wasted Chihuahua at a sausage expo, that cousin whose name you can never remember. Knowing you, you’d probably judge my innocent, white-as-snow self in a second and accuse me of proffering violent advice.

I’m here to tell you, however, that I don’t plan on doing anything of the sort. Instead of encouraging you to “get rid” of extended family in the Mafioso, “let’s play freeze tag with my 9mm” sense of the word, I’m going to introduce one of Secondhand Rants’ new services to the community. It’s called the Extended No More program. Here’s how works.

You sign up one of your previously loved ones (it’s recommended that he or she remain unaware of this application process) and fill out the requisite paperwork. After we receive your application and token registration fee, a big, black van with a yellow smiley face on it will drop by and pick up the pre-loved, using force if necessary. This van will then arrive at a secure location where your pre-loved will join a growing body of–get this–generic wedding guests!

Don’t you see the sheer genius inherent in this plan? We at Secondhand Rants know what a hassle it is to invite fifth-cousins and great uncles removed fifty-six times, come wedding time. With this new program in full swing, you won’t have to schedule flights and book hotels anymore. Simply pay us a nominal fee, and our throng of displaced family members will show up at your wedding, no questions asked! They’ll be well-dressed, well-behaved, and they’ll even play the part for free. So smile and wave when that big, black van with a yellow smiley face on it rolls into a neighborhood near you. Unless, of course, it happens to roll into your neighborhood and onto your driveway.