Friday, February 27, 2004

You may question whether I have the credentials to teach, gentle reader, and to this end I’ve prepared a two-part series on my professorial background. The first installment, unveiled below for your scrutiny, is the transcript of a recent interview aired on NPR’s All Things Inconsiderate.

—–BEGIN TRANSCRIPTION—–

NPR: I’d like to welcome Fortune Magazine’s Man of the Year and foremost authority on educational policy, CEO.

CEO: Thanks. I’m happy to be here.

NPR: As are we. I know you’re a busy man, so–

CEO: Not at all, not at all. You know, I looked my boss in the eye this morning and said, “I really need to share my ideas with the public at large. Can I leave early?” And he said, “Why not? Heck, I’ll give you time-and-a-half.” What a boss, right? Oh, wait. I am the boss.

NPR: [strained laughter] Right. Now back to the topic at hand. Education: does it begin at home or abroad?

CEO: Wait, so this isn’t Gambler’s Anonymous? Because I’m giving up three-legged cat curling championships. For good this time, I swear. Come to think of it, how did you know my name?

NPR: No, no, no. This is NPR. And you must be kidding about the name. I mean, who in their right mind would name their child “CEO”?

CEO: Why, the gall! First of all, I never knew my parents, you insensitive prick. Second of all, how is CEO any different from NPR? I mean, I know NPR stands for National Pubic Radio, and that’s probably why you hide it under an acronym. What if I have something to hide as well, huh?

NPR: Um, that’s National Public Radio, sir.

CEO: I heard you the first time, bucko. Natural Pubic Radio. Got it. Look, can we start over again?

NPR: [sighs] Sounds good to me.

CEO: Great. Hi, I’m Fortune Maga—

NPR: We can skip that part.

CEO: Fine. Let’s talk education.

NPR: You’ve no doubt noticed how many companies are turning abroad for labor. Do you think education will follow suit?

CEO: How do you mean?

NPR: Well, take college education, for instance. Studying abroad has traditionally been ancillary–

CEO: Ancillary! He said the “A” word, folks. I love that word. So dirty.

NPR: Ahem. As I was saying, studying abroad has traditionally been ancillary to a liberal arts education. Do you think the presumption will shift? Will studying abroad become the tradition?

CEO: How do you mean?

NPR: I just explained myself. Will education be rooted abroad?

CEO: Do elaborate. This is fascinating.

NPR: You don’t know what that word means, do you?

CEO: Huh?

NPR: Abroad.

CEO: Oh, sure I do. It means flying to Canada. Or Guam.

NPR: You moron! There’s a whole world out there. What about Thailand, India, China…?

CEO: China? I’ve heard of it, sure. I think my alarm clock came from there, along with most of my other possessions. I think my pants came from Honduras, though. Have you heard of that place?

NPR: [silence]

CEO: And India? I heard your job is flying there for the winter. Not that a single Brazilian treefrog and a crack team of Belgian gerbils couldn’t handle it, of course.

NPR: Get him off the air.

CEO: Hey, do you know how a DWeeD works?

NPR: Get him off the air!

CEO: Fine. Get ready to be bought out and fired, chump. In that order.

—–END TRANSCRIPTION—–

Unfortunately, dear reader, that’s the only transcript I have for you. It’s not the best one by any stretch of the imagination, but all my other transcripts were lost in the Great Fire of Fifteen Minutes Ago.