Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Once upon a time, in an undergraduate career far more exciting than mine, one of my co-workers wandered into an alleyway to score some dope. The pusher ducked into his apartment and soon returned with a bag full of product. Funny thing was, gentle reader, that the product resembled the herbs I enjoy sprinkling on my pizza from time to time.

My co-worker sniffed the wares and promptly refused to pay for the bag of oregano, at which point the pusher subtly implied he had a gun. The story ended safely enough when my co-worker backed into a well-trafficked area, thus saving himself from a gunshot wound or lungs filled with savory seasoning.

If nothing else, this story reveals the gritty, unwashed underbelly of culinary narcotics. I mean, who hasn’t thought about smoking oregano at some point in their lives, but to sell it? Sheer genius. Look at McDonald’s, if you would, and revel in their brilliant naming campaign. The most obvious name for hash browns would be “McHash,” so why did they name the stuff otherwise? I think you know why. Naming the product for what it is would send buyers into a feeding frenzy, encouraging them to drop all pretense and smoke those suckers right then and there.

And did you know that “nugget” is another term for grass? Even if you didn’t, I’m sure you’ve heard of the six-piece or eight-piece nugget meal at your local fast food joint. Coincidence? Perhaps, but you probably also think that “sauce” only comes in the barbecue variety. So the next time you consider ordering that shroom burger with some afterdinner candy, I urge you to consider what the Hamdealer told Grimace one fine morning: rehable rehable rehable.