Tuesday, May 25, 2004

In case you’re wondering whether Secondhand Rants dissolved into a puddle of silence and neglect, gentle reader, let me assure you we’re still alive and kicking. The office experienced a power outage halfway through the workday yesterday, and we all know that an Internet company without electricity or phones actually doesn’t change much–it still contributes absolutely nothing to the community. While that accounts for yesterday’s negligence, what about Friday? It’s simple, really. I lost the post.

It’s unfortunate because I’ve been striving beyond reason to maintain a level of consistency that runs counter to the basic tenets of Bloggery. I’m going to make it up to you, though, by explaining exactly what happened. It goes something like this.

I woke up Friday morning to the smell of burnt adjectives. Out of bed I rolled, grumbling and sneezing like the dickens, and I found Muse attempting to cook some breakfast.

“Wow, I guess Emeril died last night and was reincarnated,” I said to a disheveled Muse. “Right in our very kitchen.”

She sprinkled a little guile into the pan in a valiant attempt to save the dish. She failed.

“You’d better shut up before I kick you up a notch,” she said good-naturedly. “You know, it’s the funniest thing.”

“What’s funny?” I asked as I poured some dangling participles into my favorite bowl.

“I found a 16-ounce bag of adjectives just sitting on the counter. Did we pick this up? I don’t remember picking it up.”

I fished the package out of the trash and recognized it immediately.

“Oh, this. You know all those people who show up at the skyscraper on a daily basis, the ones who tromp into the lobby and dirty all my exotic furniture?” I asked, dropping the empty package back into the trash.

“Of course I do. You’re always yelling at them, but I know you like them.”

I opened the cupboard and fetched a roll of misplaced modifiers for Muse. The local supermarket had a special “buy one get one free” deal, but I insisted on picking up a single roll to confound the baker.

“Yeah, maybe I do like those chumps. They’re always hungry for some kind of treat, so I was saving those adjectives for them. It’s no big deal, you know. I’ll just get another package on Monday.”

“You were going to serve those adjectives right outta the bag?” asked Muse.

“Yup. That’s the way they like it. Raw.”

“Wow.”

We tossed all the dishes into the sink, turned on the faucet for five seconds to delude ourselves into cleanliness, and then set out for the skyscraper. It was just another workday.