Wednesday, June 16, 2004

I don’t know if you’ve ever scanned job listings for consulting firms, gentle reader, but they generally provide an endless source of confusion and amusement. Each listing, headed by an innocent title such as “Communication Consultant” or “Administrative Assistant,” actually masks a creamy filling rich with jargon and arrogance. Clicking and opening each listing, then, is kinda like having Christmas in the summertime, except mummy and daddy giftwrapped pipebombs filled with cat shit and put them under the tree.

Let’s see what’s simmering in the BS crockpot, shall we? I’m going to fish around my briefcase for my patented Jargonulator. Where did I put it…ah, here we go. This is what it looks like: =>. Fancy, don’t you think?

The listings always begin simply enough. Employers expect you to have “strong oral and written communication.” Sounds fair. They want you to be organized. Makes sense. And then they lay it on you.

[Example 1]

Utilize skill set proactively to engage in targeted relocation and distribution of white papers => File stuff, maybe in the right cabinets.

[Example 2]

Invest staggered advertising revenue in turnkey media solutions for optimal inventory visibility and 2% CTR => Buy right or I fire your ass.

[Example 3]

Populate visual data array in accordance with protocol WTF and TGIF v4.2 => Draw frickin’ graphs.

[Example 4]

Maximize ROI => Not on a first date.

I haven’t even gotten to everyone’s favorite word, synergize. I’ve no factual basis for this assertion, but I get the feeling that fervor for this word has died down as of late, since it probably comes off as retarded even in business circles. Still, you never know when the foul word might pop up in an otherwise unpolluted context.

[Example 5]

Required Skills:

* Able to wipe nose, butt

* Avoids slamming into walls

* Synergizes

* Really good at walking or breathing

* Can operate water cooler without electrocuting self

* Housebroken

* Synergizes

* Can get freaky and/or turnkey

What the hell does “value added” mean? Am I too young to know? WHY DON’T I GET EARTH DAY OFF? Point that turnkey somewhere else, I THINK I’M FREAKING OUT! What’s that, you want to synergize? SYNERGIZE? HOT TWINKIES ALIVE, I’D RATHER DO THE TRUST FALL WITH A BUNCH OF ARMLESS MIMES!