Tuesday, July 13, 2004

You’ve probably suffered from this problem before, gentle reader, and like me you’ve doubtless had ill luck in devising a solution. I’m talking about the touchy subject of collecting money owed to you, a tender fandango few dance teachers would dare instruct. Google has yielded little in the way of folk wisdom, and that tireless butler Jeeves–you know, the one you ask–continues to mangle my queries beyond recognition.

We’ve focused way too much on contraptions lately, which is unfortunate because conundrums like this one would ignite most gadgets into a delicious tumult of scorched parts. Sometimes, when nuts and bolts simply don’t cut it, you’ve got to rely on fierce intellect and raw slyness, using seductive words and devious stratagems to get your dues. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this, since it’d be much easier to bear my annoyances in silence, but maybe it’s because this is like group therapy. You’re like the nodding group members, the worn plastic chairs, the crumbly lemon cookies so loved by unstable people, all rolled into one rehabilitative burrito. That’s a compliment, don’t you forget it.

I guess it’s my turn to speak, how very kind of you. One trend I’ve noticed speaks to the kind of money owed. We’re usually talking about a few dollars here, a few dollars there, a movie ticket here, a lunch or two there, but never about big ticket items. After a few weeks, these small expenses snowball into a conflagration of deadbeatery, and that’s a word that doesn’t exist but should.

The rub, of course, is how to reclaim your dues. Our laws simply don’t allow for aggressive collection techniques, i.e. at gunpoint, so that leaves passive-aggressive techniques. “You could also be assertive!” I hear you say, but we’re not here to be proactive and assertive and all that other warm-n’-fuzzy shit. We’re here to take the “ass” out of “assertive” and insert it into “passivity.”

Movie Tickets

Sure, you could spot someone for a matinee showing or two, but after a while the $7.00’s really start adding up. Here’s what to do: ask the person to watch the same movie with you repeatedly until you get your money. Remember to clear your throat loudly and frequently when you approach the ticket counter to add emphasis.

Food

This is an easy one. Trail your “friend” to a restaurant and grab the food off his plate. Check, please.

Drinks

“Hey, let’s play a fun drinking game! You give me a fiver for every beer you down. And get your hands off my pretzels.”

I’ve got a board meeting to attend, so we’ll talk later. Follow these tips and you’ll institute some real change. Man, I’m ready to march on Washington.