Monday, September 27, 2004

On a sorely misguided whim, I went to White Castle today with three of my co-workers. I haven’t been to one in a year or two, so you can imagine the idealized memories that went through my head as we fought lunchtime traffic. In my mind, White Castle stood as a paragon of fast food, a shining beacon for all other would-be Burger Kings to follow. Since it’s called “White Castle,” the implied virtues of royalty and purity must both be true, right?

It’d be silly of me to comment on the ambiance of a fast food joint, but the fact that everything was bolted down–all under careful watch of three security cameras–gave me pause. Why the Orwellian state of dining, I wondered, especially with the doubleplusgood sandwiches? Their marketing campaign had convinced me that their burgers were “what [I] crave,” which meant it’d be criminal not to eat there.

After stepping through the foyer, what others might describe as a space enclosed with bulletproof glass, I ordered some chicken sandwiches. My colleagues, bless their gastrointestinal systems, divvied up a Sack of 20, White Castle’s quaint euphemism for a small cow. Upon biting into my first chicken sandwich, I commented that it tasted like fish, only to discover that it was indeed fish. I’m inclined to believe the scientists at the Castle have genetically fused fish with fowl, but I don’t want to delve any deeper lest I share my lunch with my keyboard. In all likelihood they made an honest mistake and swapped one of my sandwiches.

That’s immaterial, however, because I’ve devised the perfect way to determine whether you’re having a chicken sandwich or a fish surprise. The chicken patty resembles a flat piece of batter, you see, whereas the fish patty looks like a chicken patty. You’re probably wondering how I’m feeling right now, gentle reader, and that’s very kind of you. I’ve managed to keep it all down and I’m feeling okay, though the first few minutes after the dining experience were horrible. Do you remember the poor space marine in Aliens who had the privilege of seeing an alien burst out of his chest? I felt exactly the same way, except I thought I had downed the marine who had downed the alien, and both the marine and the alien were trying to chew their way out.