Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Tradition tells us longer conversations usually lead to pure negligence the following evening, with you showing up in an empty parlor only to find silence and possibly a link. Maybe I’ll throw you some napkins, even, or wait–make that tissues. Tonight, however, tonight will be different.

From what I hear, a few of you are imprisoned in the ivory tower and, more importantly, the bleak stretch of country called finals week is upon you. Certainly the desire to craft a stunning piece of work courses mightily through your veins, I wouldn’t imagine otherwise, but here you are. Why exactly are you here? Ostensibly to waste time, I presume, in which case you’ve knocked on the right door.

Papers always struck me as the perfect vehicles to show off my most profound thoughts. Of course I’d wait mere hours before class to start, but all it took were a couple choice words, the gnawing guilt that each class cost at least a grand, a conscious effort to restrain my love of italics, a power nap or two, and schwing! An F-. Following are the simple guidelines I worshiped to achieve these incomparable results.

Margins
Whoever devised this 1.0-inch margin shit is, in all likelihood, probably dead in a hole somewhere. Besides, why should you listen to MLA guidelines? Is MLA your mother? Blindly obey it too much and it’ll be your daddy, while the Chicago Manual of Style crouches in the background, whistling catcalls and shouting your name.

These are the ideal margins:

You can’t handle this much paper.

3.0-inch margins? They’re three times as large, which makes the paper three times better, right?

Illustrations
Can your prof honestly tolerate lines and lines of words? Be still, my variable heart rate. Lest you construct elaborate flowcharts and, I don’t know, maps of the mind or something, consider pasting a picture of Vida Guerra right in the middle of your supporting paragraph. Remember, this can only help the person who evaluates your paper.

“I postulate the corpus cannot hold, what with these canonical heresi– Why, hello there.”

On the other hand, if you despise your class and the teacher who commands it, well, Cher.

Citations
Citawhat? Precisely. The library is in you, and don’t you forget it. The most difficult aspect of quoting oneself is inventing a convincing publisher. Thankfully for you, I’ve built a very usable formula.

Publisher = (name of plant or nut) + (body of water) + Press

Let’s put this baby to work.

CEO, Gentle. Procrastination and the Hermeneutics of…Oh, Wait.
Chicago: Almond Lake Press, 2005.

CEO, Gentle. The Complete Treasury of Elven Recipes: Cajun Style.
Chicago: Hazlenut River Press, 2005.

CEO, Gentle. Deception and the Truth About Deception.
Chicago: Pine Rapids Press, 2005.

Go forth and disappoint, dear reader!