Monday, May 2, 2005

They’re back, and here’s a visual morsel for those of you given to pretty images. I chose carefully and settled on an austere diagram that probably came straight from da Vinci’s notebook, so enjoy.

Fig. 1 A poisonous dog

The Internet widens our embrace significantly, welcoming and enumerating people alien and novel to us. For instance, there are entomologists, experts who study insects. Hot she-entomologists, I’d even wager. And then there’s the one unwashed fellow who not only collects house centipedes, but fawns over them as well, reading them bedtime stories and tying ribbons on their legs and individually kissing their thousand lips. If your eyebrows just perked up in a flash of self-realization, please get the hell out of my house.

I have a theory–Billy Graham hasn’t reviewed it, not yet at least–and it posits the house centipede didn’t have an official place on Noah’s ark. It was right around the time of the deluge, crunch time, and Noah had pared down his list to the Z’s.

“Two zebras, excellent. Two hermaphroditic zooanthids…should I file them under ‘H’? No, wait, erasers don’t exist. How about I write ‘zooanthids, herma– And what in sweet Jesus are you?” shrieked Noah, no longer humble.

Two centipedes wriggled in reply.

“Oh, I’m sorry, but economy’s booked,” Noah fibbed in verse 16. “Although I hear the lido deck’s pretty nice at this time of year.”

Two centipedes wriggled in protest. Lightning struck Noah thrice.

“Ho ho! But wouldn’t you know it, in verse 17 I say, ‘Welcome aboard. Yea shall I carry ye home; ye in my beverage holder safe havens maketh.'”

Let’s say revisionist Old Testament isn’t your thing, well, I’ve got a story that will make your toes crawl and your skin curl. Actually, it’s probably woefully underwhelming, but hey! Another day, another discussion. Know this, however: these bastards are waterproof, which suggests they ended up on the lido deck after all. Prepare yourself for a harrowing tale.