Monday, August 29, 2005

If the ACLU sends me one more goddamn promotional packet in the mail, I will tirelessly lobby for a dystopian society until such a time as our pavement runs crimson with the nectar of abortion. You see, the red will come from me because I’ll be sitting in the city park, munching on fetus flesh, drafting a shoo-in for Amendment XXVIII wherein every civil liberty is abolished absolutely, all the while checking for funny pictures in ourmail@privacyrights4evah.gov, the unified e-mail account for everybody on earth.

I’m not sure how they secured my address, though I suspect my liberal leanings–made startlingly clear by my liberally free subscription to The New Yorker–have something to do with it. More importantly, why did they ignore my written request for list removal? I guess the embattled freedom of my mailbox doesn’t even register as a vector on their golden roadmap. And I– Why, hello there.

You noticed our lack of discussion near the end of last week, I’m sure, along with a picture of an intriguing device. I take no credit for making the image, although the act of publishing it was rather trying. Was it a cop-out? Yes. Would a conversation have been any better? Probably not. Were I to receive a report card for last Thursday and Friday, it would look like this:

Communication: F+

Ability to find a picture of a stunning scientific apparatus: A for Freaking Awesome

We’ll chat tomorrow about why the meter registered at approximately .001.