Tuesday, April 28, 2009

With two suspected cases of swine flu in Charlotte, a busted HVAC unit, and a recent spate of weather that could only be described as too good, I thought it wise to make preparations. To you I pass on the keys to the kingdom, should I find myself borne to an untimely demise: a handful of golf tees, an opened box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and–yes–the login to my Blogger account. All you see here, on this very screen, would be lavished unto you, such is my bequest.

When I refreshed the homepage of the local newspaper an hour ago, I noticed the headline for the flu coverage had suddenly changed to include ‘We will see deaths.’ It was gripping. Sensational, even. I clicked. And found the same damn article that had been growing incrementally throughout the day, piece by piece, like Voltron’s shit-greased cousin. I felt cheated as I read over the repackaged material. It was then I glimpsed the grim contours of mass media, wherein the public eye is guided down a swift current of drivel from one disaster to the next. Before the Swine Flu, it was the Ailing Economy, then the Housing Malaise, then the Avian Flu, then SARS.

And to complete this terrible calculus, you need only look below the article for a comments section, in which the public voice, duly enfranchised, attempts to share its theories in all lowercase on why things are happening. This epidemic appears to be the work of Mexicans, best as I can gather, or “illegals,” as one commenter posted, or possibly the President. The state of the economy, if I remember correctly, can be traced back to rich people or poor people or Republicans, I think? Chickens–those people–were to blame for avian flu, and SARS? Well, I deeply apologize for that one.

I suspect nobody, from quoted experts to reporters to CLTBankSlut_73, really knows what exactly in fresh hell is happening. Did catch one compelling article today, though, about social distancing and its role in combating pandemics. I happen to be the most celebrated luminary in the field of social distancing on the Eastern Seaboard, having cultivated a general disdain for humanity. Let me break it down for you. There are antibodies for the usual germs, and then there are antieverybodies for the outbreaks. I’ve been stockpiling this stuff for the better part of the decade.