Tuesday, January 5, 2010

It begins the same way every year: a silvery bauble drops on Times Square and then, in what may be the strangest example of correlation or causation or possibly both, resolutions are declared, stoic pronouncements that probably wouldn’t even exist if that stupid ball had stopped short of its target height. Apparently I was on a health kick last January, though I was loathe to call it a resolution, so 2010 will be different. We’re going to make progress. It’s going to be a light resolution this year, then a sticky note that conveniently falls into the crevice between fridge and counter once 2011 rolls around, and then probably just a torrent of swearing in 2012.

Here it is. My pledge. I’m putting myself in the No-Fry Zone for the time being. Now, lest you think this is some horrible manifestation of an Asian accent or something, rest assured I’m talking about the food item, specifically the avoidance of any dining establishment that serves golden, delicious fries. Obviously I could refrain from ordering fries, opting instead for, like, a salad or something, but I hate salads. And fries, tempting as they may be, often hint at a larger menu that likely isn’t designed to improve your vitals.

It’s still a health resolution, of course, but it’s more noncommittal. See? Progress. I wouldn’t go to McDonald’s, for instance, but Pizza Hut would technically be fair game. Chipotle is still legit, naturally. Steak n’ Shake would be forbidden, and yet Cold Stone Creamery would be allowed. Chili’s would be out of the question. Starbucks would be a go. The No-Fry Zone can also be capricious. A Taco Bell connected to a Long John Silver’s is out of the question, but a freestanding location? Unleash the powdered meats.

Call it a half-resolution, then, and we’ll leave it at that. When you’ve dined primarily from gift baskets for consecutive weeks, you see, corrective measures must be taken–measures which, come Thursday, will probably have been violated three ways to Sunday. But that’s Thursday, two whole days from now, and the post will go on. Perhaps we’ll talk about a vow I made last year that’s been gladly broken, or maybe we’ll discuss how 12 minutes can make all the difference in the world. We’re flush with talk in this place.