Thursday, January 7, 2010

Whatever allure the cineplex once held evaporated in a foul cloud of halitosis a few weeks ago when, during a packed late-night showing of Avatar, fortune saw fit to deposit a rancid woman to my immediate left for three hours. Prior to her arrival, a country man with a rich country drawl had settled into the same row of chairs and, after viewing a few pre-trailer commercials, threatened to pull out his gun, should any additional advertisements appear. The screen obviously didn’t hear this because it promptly played two more spots, but lo! No firearm was procured, for fortune did stay his hand.

I had chosen this showtime with the Cat to avoid a repeat of our Watchmen experience, wherein a sunny Saturday morning was spent in a dark, nerd-filled theater. Nighttime would be far more acceptable for watching a movie, went the reasoning, and what’s more a Sunday evening, so very close to the workweek, would thin out the crowds. How wrong I was on both counts. All of God’s children apparently decided on the same showtime, and wherever the threat of gun violence didn’t punctuate my vicinity, there wafted that sickly sweet scent. Imagine, if you will, a shit-greased strawberry patch.

The 3D glasses were enough for me–indeed, an assault on my corneas may have been the very purpose of the ticket. But the added smell-o-vision was too much, and when Stinkerella began popping candy every few minutes, which necessitated opening her mouth, the situation quickly deteriorated. Every crinkle of cellophane, a death knell for the nostrils. Every death knell for the nostrils, a prelude to more unwrapping.

And the film itself? Pretty, preachy, and vapid. I’m done with theaters for the time being. Home theater is a different matter, however, and here lies the broken vow I mentioned on Tuesday. Back in February, I had pledged to shun Blu-ray. I had no need for high-def, after all, because who really cares for stunning visual fidelity and unbelievably crisp audio? Ratatouille was the title that did me in and now I find my disposable income magically transforming into Blu-ray discs. It’s a strange alchemy.