Tuesday, January 15, 2013

With flu season in high gear, I had resolved to lock it down this weekend and honor a strict regimen of social distancing to stay well. The forecast, however, quickly dismantled this plan, with reports of unseasonably warm weather in the 75-degree range. It was a limited-time offer I simply couldn’t ignore, so I threw a few essentials into a backpack, drove up the mountains, and went hiking. Made a day of it. I’m just fuckin’ with you. They haven’t released Hiking: The Experience on Xbox just yet, after all. No, I felt the warm weather when sunlight collided with my skin during the brief walk from the car to the cineplex.

It’s been a while since I’ve gone to the theater, and I figured I’d mark my triumphant return with a suitably epic matinee showing of The Hobbit in 3D HFR. Clearly my judgment was imparied. The HFR effect was grating, the pacing was interminable, but most of all, the magic was gone. The original trilogy entranced. This flick asked to be endured. I don’t know if I can watch another high-angled camera shot rotating around a hill, you know? And the most uncanny use of 3D happened, strangely enough, prior to the film in a Coke commercial. The frosty bottle was, like, right there, saying, “Drink me! Drink me, even though you look like a toolbag with those shades on.”

Call it $14.50 that went right down the recycling chute, along with my RealD glasses. Since we’re on the topic of questionable uses of money, I ordered five boxes of Girl Scout Cookies today, which is a record. It’s an annual ritual I find completely insidious, but perhaps my change of heart today was a kind of penance. A few years ago, I swore like a sailor in front of a Girl Scout while her father stood by, aghast. It was horrible, possibly more so than The Hobbit. I wasn’t swearing at either of them, to be clear, so much as an unfortunate chain of events that unfolded as soon as the front door opened. There were a few standard “fucks” and “shits,” followed by more exotic permutations with “goddamn” thrown into the mix. There may even have been a “shitfuck”! I can’t remember. I’ve tried to forget. Yeah, collecting that one box was pretty awkward. I hope she got a badge for that.