Thursday, January 6, 2011

Were this any other Thursday evening, I’d find myself firing up WordPress at about a quarter to midnight, then staring blankly at the screen for a good long while. Tonight is different, though, with the keyboard clacking well ahead of schedule. Why? It’s simple, really. I’ve got to roll into the office at 8 AM sharp tomorrow–a certifiably grown-up, if ungodly hour–and there are far, far better reasons than a blog to show up bleary-eyed and incoherent. Still, 8 AM. 8! For me, the “A” in AM stands for “anti.” I mean, I don’t even know what a meridiem is, but I can tell you I hate it.

I’ve been embarking on a journey recently to rid myself of certain material possessions. It’s something I’ve been mulling over for a while now, and when the right circumstances arose, indeed compelled me to divest myself of some worldly goods, I jumped at the chance. Stuff is a curious quantity. Its value plummets, in most cases, the moment it falls under your ownership, and yet it exerts a strange pull on you to keep it, whatever “it” may be.

In my case, it’s a metric shitload of DVDs. Am I ever going to watch them again? Unlikely. Or consider the pile of classic Nintendo games. The old gray box, quaint as it is, should probably stay in the realm of nostalgia. I don’t imagine Duck Hunt is as riveting as it used to be. There’s also a truckload of PC software that’s long overdue for a substantial culling. You remember King’s Quest? Sure, I had pictured how I’d fashion some vintage hardware into a DOS-based computer one lazy Sunday afternoon, but let’s be honest here. Not gonna happen.

That’s the heart of the matter. Stuff insinuates itself into your house and mind, fabricating reason after reason for why it should stay. Those dusty old books? Yeah, they’re never going to be yellowed heirlooms, lovingly handed down for generations to come. The bitter truth of the matter is that when you’re dead and gone, your stuff ain’t coming with you. Sorry, Egyptian mummies of old. I dare say your servants fucked up when they shoveled all that junk into your pyramids.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not hellbent on trading material riches for sackcloth and sandals. I still enjoy my Xbox. Blu-ray movies in 1080p are mesmerizing. But at some point, a sizable cut of my belongings turned into a burden, and now it’s time to optimize my life. I’ve already converted six or so games into cash, sold dozens of books, and it’s a rush. Freeing. Also, money is fantastic. It’s one of my favorite things. Trade paper and ancient plastic for dollars, space, and freedom? Sounds like a favorable exchange rate, for once.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Happy New Ye– Or Happy Arbitrarily Demarcated Unit of Time, rather, because how better to start the year than by being contrary, with as many syllables as possible? Why, by shaping those contrary syllables into a rhetorical question, that’s how. You’ll have to excuse me, of course. You’re catching me at the tail end of a 10-day flu extravaganza, and the more I think about why I was afflicted thusly, all my theories seem to lead back to a packed cathedral on Christmas Eve.

When you have parishioners sitting elbow to elbow, sneezing and coughing onto one another, it ain’t just holiday cheer that’s brewing in the sanctuary. That’s the scientific explanation, at any rate. The flu may have possibly been a form of divine punishment for thinking “Man, this sucks!” right as the second or third stanza of “Silent Night” hit. Terrible, I know, but by the time I had the thought, it was too late. That’s the non-scientific explanation.

But that’s all in the past, and we’re here now. And I’ve got things to tell you. In fact, as I was drifting into one fevered nap, I mentally outlined all we’ll discuss for the next two weeks. This was frankly a relief, because that’s four posts in the bag, you know? You’ll recall the Mayan calendar supposedly predicts cataclysm by the end of 2012, so between now and then we’ll need to knock out approximately 175 posts, the prospect of which is sufficiently apocalyptic itself.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Secondhand Rants will return on Tuesday, January 04.