I have half a mind to comp you for yesterday evening, perhaps with a shocking weekend edition whose presence could sunder the very time-space continuum, though such a bounty presupposes Blogger.com will work when summoned. Don’t get me wrong, last Thursday and Friday were products of delicious sloth, but yesterday? Not guilty.
Whenever the leasing office feels those familiar stirrings and sends me a rent increase notice, the inclination is to negotiate. You know the drill. Haggle. Lowball. Highball. Freeball. Find the golden midpoint. My favorite tactic, however, is rooted in overwhelming goodwill. The progression goes thusly, and invariably a $100 monthly increase magically shrinks to $20.
– A rent increase, land sakes alive.
– If I stay, I will be put in the poorhouse.
– I really love your service, however.
– Can you drive me all over town and show me better priced apartments?
This time, it’s not going to work because I’m leaving. To the south, urban living. To the north, a rich expanse of uppity suburbia. To the west, Skokie. Here, a median age of 96. A liberal education theoretically equips me to make sound decisions. I’ll show them.
Halfway through comparison-shopping for a slick, reliable off-brand hosting service, I came to my senses and made a beeline for GoDaddy. Initially there was a pang of guilt for succumbing to a major company, the same kind of reservation often leveled at Microsoft, McDonald’s, or Starbucks. Here’s the question, though: Do I really want to sign on with another Site5 or Aplus, small e-businesses that begin promisingly and then, a year later, desperately need to retool their rev flow because, y’know, beanbag chair clearance at IKEA?
I don’t want to root for the small, scrappy band of rebels anymore. I vote for the oppressive empire. Give me a McHost, venti, with all the fixings, and give it to me quickly. Site5 unfurled the pomp and circumstance for their customer support. The sad reality was their product certainly needed it, and if your crown jewel gives out during those moments of need, well, I imagine tangoing after having your legs cut off would be a far more attainable goal.
If I want an iced coffee, Starbucks will do just fine. A burger? What I expect at McDonald’s is what I’ll get, without the fuss. There’s no need for a song and a dance about the fantastic customer service poured into every goddamn fry. Hosting, I think, shouldn’t be different. GoDaddy is big, certainly, yet this doesn’t mean their bandwidth is carried on the backs of disenfranchised, underage eunuchs who know only the cold lash of disapproval. It’s just bandwidth, cheap to boot, and we’re live right now.
Greetings. Our host is busy tonight, no doubt pretending to enjoy The New Yorker.
Oh, so wonderful! It is just like the Earth Mother foretold in the Prophecy!
I try to conquer the Earth Mother every night with Pinky.
???
Your triplicated usage of question marks does give one pause.
??!?!???
I’m patient, if nothing else. Let’s have a discussion and start simply.
OK!
Are you a woman or an effeminate man? You people all look the same.
Gasp! How can you say such things, if we are to find the seven crystals together?
Seven! Woman–and I’m theorizing you’re female–I wasn’t aware of the one.
Like the Earth Mother told me in a dream, once we have the seven crystals we can reforge the Sword of Takahirihochi to free the land of evil!
That’s unequivocally adorable. Your eyes are prodigious, much like my frontal lobe.
Are…are you hitting on me?
You may be assured of it.
! ! ! ! ! !
Do you have a boyfriend?
Yes. He broods a lot and has spiky green hair.
Are you pondering what I’m pondering?
. . . . . . . . .
Let me guess. Your boyfriend is in a volcano somewhere, trying to block a katana slash with his teeth while crying into his magic cloak.
It is a magic bandanna, and yes.