A wedding on Michigan Avenue is a spectacle I will probably never witness again, and its smooth, Swiss clockwork-like sensibility did Viv and Matt proud. “Fancy” begins to describe it, sorta, but the most important thing is whether the bride and groom are content with the proceedings. I think they were. The best to you both.
Another important thing is a live band that’s good and, holy goats almighty, stepping on a bridesmaid’s dress while the good live band is playing. This happened before we made it to the dance floor. Fortunately she didn’t fall flat on her face and only tripped a little. Unfortunately for me, what happened on the floor was a different matter entirely, a series of dismal steps I would’ve gladly traded for stepping on every dress and pant cuff in the room.
Usually I fare–not fare well, mind you, just fare–on the dance floor, but this time something was wrong. I felt clunky. An epic embarrassment. Cryogenic, even. Health teachers say only you can increase your self worth and personal esteem. Crock of shit. You see, there were these exquisite chocolate tarts flecked with 23kt gold. Four or five of those in your stomach and you are Bailey, Banks, and Biddle.
Secondhand Rants will return on Monday, April 10.
Thursday’s discussion continues more than 85 hours later!
The Take It on the Chinternet
Perhaps the most vile of Internets, this one suspiciously resembles Turbotax.com or Hrblock.com.
1. You futz around with your login until verily upon the correct password you doth stumble.
2. A question of critical importance is answered in a single click: would you like to pay $29.95, $49.95, $89.95, or $119.95 for the same goddamn thing?
3. You spell your name incorrectly. This isn’t going to be easy.
4. Are you wanting to edit your info, comrade? Is magically simple.
5. You click Da. Oh, shits! Did you surf to hrbloc.cz.ru again?
6. Hrblock.com. Finally. Refund due = $0.00.
7. “Alright, clean slate” you whisper. “Let’s do this thing. First, that W-2.”
8. Tax due = $1248.31.
9. “No problem, no problem,” you rub your hands with purpose. “Haven’t done my deductions and credits yet. Those will help a lot. Might even get a fat check from the government.”
10. Did you buy an airplane in 2005? “Nope.”
11. Did you maybe die in 2005? “Nope.”
12. Did you buy a car in 2005? “Ho ho!”
13. You can only qualify for the car deduction if you took a piss at a dealership urinal while facing a southwesterly direction and humming your favorite The Cure song. “Ho ho h–“
14. Tax due = $1248.31.
Best wishes to you as you prepare to be taxed. Get ready to be taxed right through the pants.