Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Did I seem snappish on Monday? Well, I’m sorry. So sorry. Turns out what I really needed was some hot cocoa along with a reassurance that all this ice will melt, perhaps against a backdrop of music propagated by woodland creatures, and form a killer icicle capable of skullfucking a pedestrian eight ways to Friday.

It’s not so much the winter blues, though, so I just wanted to make this clear. Those of you in the Midwest or Canada, my comrades in these inhospitable hinterlands, know we are party to a beast who will not leave for a good third of the year. It knocks on your door, sets up residence, and then the freezing begins. But at the same time, you can predict the blues, and this takes the edge off somewhat.

I’m sure you’ve heard of the Zeitgeist. The term’s a little nebulous–the spirit of the times isn’t exactly concrete, after all–and it’s often presented as a kind of engine for the major movements of an era. The idea I’m kicking around tonight is more like the ugly stepchild of the Zeitgeist. Let’s call it a Litegeist. I’ll define it as a phenomenon, usually lasting a couple days, which affects multiple people simultaneously.

Do you ever call friends or family and conclude, much to mutual amazement, quite a few people are having a bad week? You know those conversations, I’m sure. They usually go, “Wow, it sounds like everybody’s having a bad day.” That’s the Litegeist or, if we want to keep our variants in pristine order, it’s the Shitegeist. I think it’s here now, actually.

Monday, January 23, 2006

These are the secrets I’ve uncovered in the dark places of recruitment, curiosities forged in the cold depths of interviewing career hopefuls and delivered, by way of silver platter, to you at no cost. You may wonder how I could add to the corpus formed by Careerbuilder.com and its associates, because how could anybody improve upon such gems as “spell your name correctly” and “wear pants to the interview”?

Rough Day at the Olfactory
See those mints? Yeah, the ones in the wrappers in a bowl on the table? They are for taking, and maybe a little tasting, if you catch my whiff.

What’s that, you don’t? That’s fine, I’m an equal employment opportunity employer, which means I equally employ people who own toothbrushes and those who plan on owning toothbrushes.

:oD “Ah, so your profit matrices initiative increased the hells yes too much Drakkar Noir.”

:o( “Ah, so your profit matrices initiative increased the oh shits almighty did you lick a stoat.”

Turnaround
Remember “Kick Me” signs? Obviously not. Watch your back.

:oD Hello, my name is John.

:o( Hello, my name is John. Hello, my name is Todd.

No Sweats
See title. You’re at a career expo, not a seasonal clearance on activewear at Walmart.

:oD Wear some goddamn business attire.

:o( Wear some goddamn business attire.

You probably think I’m kidding. I’m not kidding.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

There be some gems in here.