Friday, March 11, 2005

Secondhand Rants will return on Monday, March 21.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Whenever you hear about writer’s block, it’s often described as an insurmountable force turned surmountable in a few days. People complain about it, fondly curse its name, and hours later they emerge triumphant, happy yet vaguely aware it will strike again. Well, they’re wrong. It’s not a wraith, a dark genie who thwarts your every wish. It’s a place.

Writer’s Block used to be the gold coast of Antiquity City. Muse had a few friends there, and she would always scoff at their addresses.

“Writer’s ‘Bl.’?” she would say, rolling her eyes. “Why can’t they write out ‘Block’? Is it really so hard?”

“You know, it almost looks like the abbreviation of ‘boulevard,’ only without the ‘vd,’” I once observed.

“VD, huh?” she replied with a saucy look. “Figures you’d be the one to think about that.”

“Hey, hey, cut me some slack,” I retorted. “Sounds like someone’s crabby today.”

“Listen, smartass, you just exceeded your pun quota by one,” she snapped right back.

That was one of my fonder memories of the Block. Even the Muffin Man lived there, if you can believe it, though he left with the rest of the urbanites when it suddenly became chic to skip town. That’s how he ended up on Drury Lane.

Things are different these days. The Block, much like the City, is a little sadder, a lot emptier, but still necessary. Everyone visits. Everyone must visit, because this is where the Auditor lives. You’d think an ominous name like that would only promise terrifying experiences, when really they’re only mildly terrifying. Muse and I went to see him recently. We boarded a train under a darkening sky, wincing as the sliding doors snapped shut. We sped into the City. I should’ve stayed on the train.

Wednesday, March 9, 2005

Contrary to what you may think, dear reader, there are moments when I trade gleeful neglect of your needs for genuine concern. Look around you. Notice any difference? If you’re using Internet Explorer, then the correct answer is “no,” though I won’t hold that against you. I imagine, however, there are some of you who use the other browser, the one to which I’ve been recently made privy. Yes, I’ve seen the light.

For the longest time, Firefox struck me as one of those hippie fads, a conceit bandied about simply because it somehow landed a grievous blow to the establishment. I tried it once, way back whenever, and it ran too slowly for me to be iconoclastic. It went straight in the trash can, only to reemerge on my box to my recent delight. Oh, Firefox. I cherish you so.

It’s slimmer. Faster. Cleaner. Customizable. Absolutely huggable. Something changed between then and now, and I’ve been thoroughly converted. The Adblock extension is, in a rather hypocritical twist, my favorite addition. The entire package seduces you with its eyes. You want to pet it as if it were a kitten.

Those of you who’ve been using Firefox for a while, you have my apologies. I am contrite, a changed man bowed with shoulders shaking. This alternative browser doesn’t reward stupidity, nor does it coddle dyslexia, so I fixed some things. Backward slashes have been corrected. You won’t feel unwelcome when you ride roughshod onto my porch in 800×600 resolution. Indeed, our discussions have been digitally remastered. Welcome to your new digs. And in the name of Dr. Scholl, take off your shoes.