Wednesday, August 4, 2004

I would contend, on a warm summer’s day much like this one, that “Making of” documentaries have always been horribly contrived. Is this claim really so farfetched? Think back to the Stone Age, when humans marveled over the creation of the wheel and, about five minutes later, the DVD. I’m just waiting for the Museum of Natural History to acquire one of these babies. Cavemen and cavewomen probably flocked to their local video store to pick up In the Jaws of the Thunder Lizard, Evisceration Hurts, Bonk Gronk: Vol. 2, or The Princess Bride. It’s the way things were back then, I guess, and like their modern counterparts cavepeople would likely view the “Making of” featurette along with the movie proper.

Also like their modern counterparts, these cavepeople were undoubtedly subject to vapid dialogue bantered between cast and crew.

“You know, I’ve always respected Gronk’s work, really I have. He had such a range, such a presence. It’s a shame that velociraptor ate him, poor bastard.”

“Production design? A lot of my inspiration came from that rock over there. Oh, and also the decomposing mammoth in my backyard.”

“It’s always important to have screen chemistry. Gronk and I had it on-screen and off, if you know what I mean. Wait, did I say the word ‘chemistry’? What the hell is that?”

“I knew from the first time I saw Millenia Before Pants that I wanted to work with Thok-tar. He has such a clear vision and the passion to back it. You just don’t get that with most directors. God, I want to club a woman over the head.”

“Vision? Yeah, Thok-tar had vision, which is kinda ironic ever since that pterodactyl pecked out his eyes.”

It’s pretty much been like this through the ages, except maybe when Nazi Germany or Red Russia threatened to blitzkrieg the world stage. Some notable historians tell me that DVD’s played rather dismally during those days. If you clicked Scene Selection, you’d get a “Heil Hitler!” If you clicked Audio Setup, you’d get a “Heil Hitler!” If you clicked Play, you’d get “Heil Hitler!” with oompa-pa music in the background. Find that goddamn Easter egg and a 3-D Stalin would appear, salute you, and say, “Well done, comrade.” And then your television would incarcerate you.

Am I going to offer any solutions, play the doctor to your imagined maladies? Of course not. There will always be a place for “Making of” featurettes, and truth be told I enjoy them from time to time. What I’d like to do instead is share my vision of becoming a C-movie star, writer, director, and producer. But we’ll leave that for another day.

Tuesday, August 3, 2004

Although I shelved my interest in chess a couple years ago, gentle reader, I’ve recently dusted off the old chessboard for some kingside action. One article that caught my eye concerns the infamous Bobby Fischer, the once reputable chessmaster who has since fallen into sad disrepute. Even if you don’t enjoy chess, you’ve probably seen Searching for Bobby Fischer, a classic movie whose syrupy portrayal of the titular hero stands in stark contrast to the real Bobby.

I’ve never read any books on openings or gambits or how to beat your opponent senseless with a chessboard, but that hasn’t deterred me from inventing my own opening. I’ll christen it the Alimentary Opening, and it basically involves taking your opponent’s pieces and swallowing them. I do believe I’ve found the perfect chess maneuver. Alimentary, my dear Watson! Oh, that was bad, but get ready to stomach another pun. I’ll be here all night, folks, at least until I’m arrested.

Monday, August 2, 2004

I don’t know if you ever yearn for videogames from antiquity, but I certainly do. Net-savvy surfers have probably heard of Alien Hominid, a fine addition to a glorious tradition including Metal Slug and Contra. If you haven’t heard of it, then you should listen up.

Refresh the page a few times and you’ll see the mascot posing with Spider-men, nubile women, fans, even an Anglicanized facsimile of Jesus Christ. Hallemalujah, everyone loves this alien! As should you, gentle reader, because this game is a labor of love poised to steal the limelight.

The co-founder of the company (and the creator of this fine site) and his brother are clients of mine, and they’re pretty cool people. If you’re trying to find the moral of the story today, boys and girls, it’s that the people behind the product are what really matter. No, wait: getting all of your swag signed makes for a good moral as well.