| Secondhand Rants | Rock on, Sisyphus |
I’m suddenly struck with the inspiration, gentle reader, to make a children’s book. I’ll need an illustrator who will work pro bono, and applications are being accepted as we speak. Why would I undertake such an important literary goal? It’s simple, really. Formative years are obviously incomplete without anthropomorphic animals committing ritual sacrifice and rudimentary bloodletting, for starters, and it’s also been my lifelong goal to win the Caldecock Award. Huh?
The next time you shop for food, gentle reader, see if you can find Skinny Cow ice cream. Had I known that “The Skinny Cow Bar,” Cookies N’ Cream edition, would leave a vile aftertaste in my mouth, I would’ve passed on these dairy treats. They were on sale, however, so my Asian genes screamed “Buy, you fool, buy!” and I capitulated. I also noticed later in the evening that the box featured hilarious, yet creepy caricatures of cows with humanoid female bodies, all of them lounging around in seductive poses.
That, of course, didn’t exactly clock in as a perk, but I figured I’d type it anyway for that one stray surfer who Googles “creepy caricatures of cows with humanoid female bodies, all of them lounging around in seductive poses.” There, happy?
Suffice to say that I promptly gave a bar to Lt. Neatfreak, who nibbled away half a bar, retched, then tossed the “treat” out the car window as I zoomed through a deserted, unlit street. Some squirrel’s gonna get it, mark my words.
If you’ve got six bucks to throw around, gentle reader, I’d recommend going to a matinee showing of Underworld. There were quite a few disappointments–Shane Brolly and Bill Nighy come to mind, the latter of whom caused the entire theater to burst out laughing at least twice–but the colorization and Kate Beckinsale were both in fine form.
Much like they’re portrayed in Blade and Blade II, vampires apparently do nothing more than lounge around and drink blood cocktails. That’s a rather unfair characterization of vampires, don’t you think? The few vampires whom I’ve spoken to certainly think so, at the very least. When all is said and done, however, there were enough gunfights, unnecessarily graceful leaps out of windows, and a total absence of bullet time animation to justify your movie dollar.
See? I managed to get through two whole paragraphs without making any really bad puns involving the word “suck.”