If you forgot about your mother today, deviant gentle reader, shame on you. As a family-conscious company, Secondhand Rants seeks to bolster the household values so critical to our society. So, gentle mothers who were forgotten, rally with me! You’ve had it with your offspring, you say? Well, then, make the proactive move, pick up your phone, and ask the operator for “The Company That Cares.”
You will connect instantly with a live representative from our acclaimed Mother Relocation Program. It’s simple, really. You know all of those stalkers that our fine company tries to cater to? Well, I assume that many of them are motherless, and it doesn’t take an economics major to understand the supply and demand inherent in this situation.
Alternatively, forgotten mothers may order one of our fine Instruments of Happiness–longtime gentle readers will recall the Cane of Good Behavior and the Bludgeon of Giggles–and we will dispatch your order immediately. I shall also introduce a new item for your perusal: The Gloves of Tastefulness. Use them for, how do I spin this positively, offspring re-education.
Alternatively, you could also send care packages meant for your children to me. Checks are welcome as well.
And if you’re reading this, mum, Happy Mother’s Day to you! Aren’t you proud of the business I’ve created?
A small part of me, gentle reader, regrets not attending the Chi-O formal. A larger part of me, however, looks forward to an evening full of grazing like a cow. Moooo.
Brand-o and Patrick have graciously offered to take me under their collective wing and teach me some StarCraft. Here’s to hoping I spend my time productively.
At around 11:25 AM CST, gentle reader and high school buddy Dave messaged me and asked, “Do you want me to go raw on 211.76.97.230?” In mere moments, he informed me that the offender probably hails from Taiwan–he used this site to obtain that information–and that the mysterious Vlad may find this incident amusing to boot.
Now, these two guys are smart with books and stuff. Dave, after all, goes to Cornell and Vlad goes to Columbia. What our company really needs, however, is their collective computer savvy. Dave runs a computer business and Vlad is just plain nuts. I mean, he apparently built a wireless Linux router in a toolbox on a whim. More importantly, however, he has “tons of tricks up his sleeve,” said Dave.
I’m not exactly sure what these tricks are, but it seems we have a profound ethical issue at hand, gentle reader. Should Secondhand Rants outsource our, how do you say, “IT needs” and hack this guy’s ass? Probably not. Since the weather turned out pleasant today, I’ll probably just mail the people and request that they stop.
Oh, and Mr. 211.76.97.230? If you’re literate and you’re reading my site, I’ll let you in on another little secret. I lied before. I actually store all of my personal info in “C:My Documents.” Make sure to download “Super Secret Happy Luck No.1 Credit Card Informations.doc” along with “Best Jumbo Password Storing.doc.” Knock yourself out. Literally.