Monday, June 2, 2003

In posts past, I shared with you my great love for dialogue and the public square. While engaging in my daily online stalking today, I happened upon CEO Waiken’s just-published theory on why things disappear. I say elves, he says imps (June 02, 2003 for posterity).

“Does this even matter?” you rudely ask me.

You may think, gentle reader, that this is a “potato, potatoe” issue or–heaven forbid–that this is a non-issue, but I’d like to disabuse you of your stupidity. What you witness here is discourse on one of the most significant issues of our time.

He apologizes for the soap drought, as it were, and that’s fine. I firmly believe that every CEO needs to take the occasional vacation. What I must respectfully disagree with and direct your attention toward, however, is his imp theory.

You will note that “imps” stole his Nalgene bottle, but I ask you: what kind of respectable, cloven-footed demon spawn would steal such an artifact? It’s not as if they need water to quench their unquenchable hellfire. Nay, quite the opposite–they would touch said bottle and it would vaporize in an instant. Similarly, CEO Waiken’s savings account register would burst into component atoms upon contact with Netherworld skin. And by the River Styx, why the holy hell would imps indulge in petty theft when other, more convenient sins are readily available? Pure bunkum, I say.

How am I sure of my own theory? Research, dear reader, research. Experts at Secondhand Rants have collected reams of data in the hopes of making our genocide more targeted and efficient. It goes without saying that all signs point toward elves.

Why am I so crotchety and mean, you ask? Simple. Among other things, I founded this media conglomerate on a set of family values: namely, comedic violence and evil. And I intend to hold fast, hold fast like a piranha on Beefalo, to my beliefs.

In the event that he posts a reply to this, I will remain mum on the subject per debate protocol. I have spoken my mind, understand, and if he tries to persuade you of otherwise, make sure to close your ears and hum very loudly.