Wednesday, June 4, 2003

On the tech news front, gentle reader, I woke to the sound of my possessed DVD drive opening and closing itself today without any provocation. Is this the end of a two-year life well spent or the beginning of an unholy existence? Only time will tell, unfortunately, and Evanston is fresh out of priests.

Also on the tech news front: Mr. 80.142.45.128 attempted to hack into my computer today. Let me ask you something, you dumb script kiddie. Did you really think I’d store my website in my Windows folder? Here’s my credit card number, by the way: 1234 5678 8765 4321. Why on earth did I get a perfectly symmetrical number? I got it for your sake, daft hacker from Amsterdam, so you’ll have an easier time remembering it. You see, when you wake up tomorrow morning, you’ll only have eight fingers left. In case I’ve lost you already, I’ll spell it out for you: simply count up to eight, then back down, and you’ll be able to buy anything online! And oh, before I forget, the expiration date is–surprise, surprise!–the same day that you’re expiring.

If you’re wondering, gentle reader, whether these two news items are related somehow, let me assure you that they aren’t. The first item is simply the consequence of a freak firmware accident finally catching up to me. By the way, I’ve also been using the same computer since junior year of high school. Additionally, if you’re shopping for computer parts, try to stay away from anything marketed as “Hi-Val.” And as for the second news item, stay the f*ck away from my site, Holland Boy, lest my East-Sidaz go raw on your sorry little ass.