Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Seized by a fit of self-aggrandizement, gentle reader, I dove into my site logs with a hunger this evening. True, a part of me wanted to find a would-be hacker to lambaste and to lambaste happily, but another part of me wanted to get a rough idea of how many different visitors stumble into my lobby each day. Suffice to say that I won’t be checking my logs again in the near future. You see, dear reader, unlike the logs that my own POS server generated, the logs provided by my new host are simply undecipherable. I sat in front of my diamond-coated, CEO edition monitor for about five minutes before developing a headache and giving up.

This means, then, that the million or so clients who have that special refresh script set up for Secondhand Rants–you know, the special script that checks to see if a new post appears every second or so–have nothing to fear at all. You may scan my site for up-to-the-minute investment pointers and bleeding-edge stock tips every minute on the minute, if you so desired, without my knowing. Secondhand Rants has never employed an actual tracker and will never do so.

Investors will be pleased to know, however, that the one piece of info I did glean from the logs was this: strangers from far and wide happen upon our lobby after searching for “middle finger emoticon” through Google. Quickly, someone contact the Nobel Committee! Our company has contributed mightily to the public square, and your compassionate CEO may die a happy man now.

Heart in throat, my eye gleaming with inspiration, I proceeded to Google my beloved company. And lo! While I found nothing grotesque, I did find sterling praise from The Gus Bus. You may be sure, CEO Carl, that even more diseased, pockmarked strangers shall be referred to your bus from now on.

So filled with 31 flavors of delusions and idiocy, I wish you good night, gentle reader, along with a heaping helping of

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