Monday, October 17, 2005

“Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend. Your confidant. Your leader, fearless and true,” says your boss with a twitch of his shoulder. “We’re all on this boat–that’s a metaphor for this company–and I’m your captain. We’re proactively setting sail for a market-guided, paracollinear journey.”

Kristy from HR rummages through her purse for an opportunity to yawn covertly. Pete the sales guru clicks his tongue in agreement and slugs 32-year-old fratboy T.J. in the shoulder, while T.J. looks at Kristy and tries to catch her eye. Meanwhile, Sue the biz dev princess interjects with a question about something, and in response the two interns take notes feverishly. During all of this, Marty the resident weirdo–

“…something to add?” your boss looks straight at you, yanking you out of your reverie. “The Captain cares. The Captain is open to suggestions.”

Shit. Busted.

A. “Just spitballing here, but how about the finer points of blow me down.”
B. “This is the best meeting of all time and we can go home now.”
C. “Actually, I think T.J. has something to share, namely herpes.”
D. “Sorry, never got the memo about caring.”
E. “Indeed.”

You chose E. Stress level => 38

“You’re the best,” proclaims your boss. “Flaky at times, but I can always count on you. There are team members, and then there are performance-centric, procedurally flexible team members.”

Sue glares at you. She secretly wants her nose to be the brownest.

“We’re in a vast jungle, and I’m the results-cognizant platoon leader,” continues your boss. “There are snipers–they’re metaphors for our competitors–in the trees, but I’ve come up with a plan to keep you all safe and maximize ROI. It’s genius, really–”

“I couldn’t agree more, boss,” interrupts Sue, pouting her lips. “In fact–”

“You’re all coming to work this weekend and the next.”

There is a collective gasp. Sue shuts her mouth. Kristy looks like she’s about to quit. T.J. snorts and Pete starts coughing uncomfortably. Marty begins mumbling to himself. The interns whip out their planners.

“I feel the synergy in this room,” he says contentedly. “Am I syncing with everyone?”

No, you think, I need to fix my car this weekend. Sleep under my bed. Maybe even talk to Frank. You clear your throat and…

A. Sob uncontrollably.
B. Swallow.
C. Put your plan into motion.
D. Cough all over the danishes.
E. Crawl under the meeting table.

You chose C. Stress level => 39

Out of the blue comes the solution to your weekend problem: your boss has a heart condition, which is really a metaphor for a heart condition.