Wednesday, October 19, 2005

“It’s like this,” explains your boss as he graphs nonsensically on the whiteboard. “When we bifurfab the investment quotient with the local Y-factor, which is to say your free time, we maximize results well beyond initial projections.”

One of the interns turns green and runs to the bathroom, and like a chorus Kristy begins to cry. Pete slams his fist on the table.

“Now, I love investment quotient as much as the next fella,” he offers, “but I’d prefer to love it on a weekday. My son’s got a game this weekend. I promised I’d go watch.”

“I hear you, Pete,” your boss responds magnanimously, “which is why I’m going to buy everyone pizza.”

Pete rubs his temples in despair.

“What’s more, I’ve secured something that will give my troops–that’s a metaphor for you guys–an effort-positive, hotdesking-friendly incentive. The person who componentizes the best report by Sunday will get these.”

He flashes two tickets to the sold-out Sox game.

“You deliver the deliverables, you put the “O” in ROI, and you get dugout seats.”

There it is, you tell yourself. Exoneration. You raise your hand.

“Yes!” your boss exclaims and points to you. “Do you have something to add to our quarterly learnings?”

A. Start slowly.
B. Start quickly.
C. Hoot like a hooty owl.
D. Start mediumly.
E. Nachos BellGrande con carne, por favor.

You chose A. Stress level => 32

“Although your turnkey plan to repurpose our Saturday and Sunday is actionable, to a degree,” you hold forth, “I have a scalable solution that should please all parties.”

“You’ve certainly repurposed my ears,” says your boss with a smile. “Go ahead, I’m listening, which is a metaphor for I’m ignoring you.”

A. Parry.
B. Thrust.
C. Riposte.
D. Dodge up.
E. Wonder why those fencing kids are always so goddamn weird.

You chose C. Stress level => 25

“It all starts with a quick-win proposal,” you say. “Uh, value-added.”

“Did…did I hear ‘value-added’?” your boss begins to fan himself.

It’s time to…

A. Make the coffee.
B. Schedule a conference call.
C. Ignore a voicemail for three weeks.
D. Follow up with a one-two punch.
E. Feint left.

You chose D. Stress level => 19

“We need to exorcise the ghosts in the wetware with a win-lose-draw paradigm shiftstall, as it were,” you outline in broad strokes.

Your boss clutches his heart and stumbles a bit.

“That’s right. We need to triangulate the profit matrices for a delayed, 20-sigma staggered return on spend. A cakewalk, really.”

He coughs violently and lurches to the table, clutching a corner for dear life.

“So, like, synergize?” he gasps.

A. Go for the kill.
B. Go for the kill.
C. Go for the kill.
D. Go for the kill.
E. Go for the kill.

You chose all of the above. Stress level => 0

“More like winnergize, am I right?” you let fly with the silver bullet, adrenaline singing in your ears.

With a piercing cry he falls to the floor as if dead. Your colleagues cheer and dash out the door. You fish the tickets from your boss’s hand.

Woof would be proud.