Saturday, February 22, 2003

Evanston readers will fondly note how God smiled upon us yesterday by granting springtime weather in mid-February. Today, however, stands as incontrovertible evidence that human sin, at least in Evanston and the greater Chicago-Metro area, reached epic proportions on Friday night. For lo! Once again, Evanston is awash in dismal weather.

You see, Willie—not Willie the Wildcat, but Willie the Groundskeeper—cackled this morning, wrung his hands, and turned on the Evil NU Weather Machine™. In that order, mind you.

Whether you live in Evanston or not, gentle reader, fear not for I have sound advice for you. Though you walk in subzero temperatures, do not despair lest your tears freeze to your cheeks. When the local Evil Weather Machine™ turns on, and all that is good and green SCREAMS FOR MERCY, open your windows and sing!

“Why?” you ask in a wretched Tiny Tim voice, clutching your cold plywood crutches for warmth as the heating system in your apartment sputters and dies.

I will tell you why, wretched reader.

It has long been a theory of mine that eating citrus will not only prevent scurvy, but it will also make you globally-savvy like Thomas Friedman. He declares, after all, that he is “addicted to citrus.”

“Why don’t you think through your ‘theory’?!” you cry.

“Why don’t you fix your heater?” I reply.

By placing your oranges near open windows, you will cool them as God intended. Nature’s candy should be cooled naturally, so take that, Frigidaire! This also works well with pitchers of water. So that you don’t die, I would suggest opening your windows just a crack.

As an added incentive, readers who live in dorms should turn on their heat to complement Nature’s Fridge. The cold and the heat will mix, thereby creating a pleasant climate, and your oranges will remain at a delightful temperature (they’re sitting right in front of the window, remember). You will also get some return for your tuition, though I would suggest turning on all the faucets in your dorm to reap the full benefits of a liberal education.

“But it’s so COLD outside!” you whine.

Did you ever think that you were worth more than your oranges? What a preposterous conceit.