Thursday, February 27, 2003

As CEO of Secondhand Rants, I would like to thank gentle reader Laura for murdering our entire PR Department. You want to know what happened, don’t you, dear reader? Well, have a seat—no, not by me, you cad—at the opposite end of my black, shiny, corporate-style table.

After Patrick was taken by aggressor Brandon Toyama, Sister Laura grieved for many moons. Our Very Humanitarian Department rushed to her aid, making what was once broken, whole; what was once lacking, fulfilled. She thanked us as any legless, armless supplicant to Mother Theresa would: by advertising Secondhand Rants in her AIM Profile.

“How on earth could an armless, legless supplicant type that out on AIM?” you ask, eyes wide as a twelve-car pile up.

“Even if you don’t have your arms and your legs, you’ve still got your NOSE, don’t you?” I retort in a flash of logical brilliance. “Plus, you could use your tongue to hold down the Shift key.”

With my new billboard—er, gentle reader product placement, I mean—in place, I proceeded to leave a trail of coffee cake, shiny pennies, and bits of cheese to draw my PR Department out. And drawn out they were. Right onto a major highway, in fact.

To the families of my PR Department: You may thank “gentle” reader Laura for this atrocity. Worry not, though, for our Very Humanitarian Department is on their way to your houses at this very moment with compensatory payment. Oh, and if you find a trail of Gorgonzola leading out from your front porch? Follow it, gentle families of my PR Department, follow it with all your heart!