Sunday, May 11, 2003

If you forgot about your mother today, deviant gentle reader, shame on you. As a family-conscious company, Secondhand Rants seeks to bolster the household values so critical to our society. So, gentle mothers who were forgotten, rally with me! You’ve had it with your offspring, you say? Well, then, make the proactive move, pick up your phone, and ask the operator for “The Company That Cares.”

You will connect instantly with a live representative from our acclaimed Mother Relocation Program. It’s simple, really. You know all of those stalkers that our fine company tries to cater to? Well, I assume that many of them are motherless, and it doesn’t take an economics major to understand the supply and demand inherent in this situation.

Alternatively, forgotten mothers may order one of our fine Instruments of Happiness–longtime gentle readers will recall the Cane of Good Behavior and the Bludgeon of Giggles–and we will dispatch your order immediately. I shall also introduce a new item for your perusal: The Gloves of Tastefulness. Use them for, how do I spin this positively, offspring re-education.

Alternatively, you could also send care packages meant for your children to me. Checks are welcome as well.

And if you’re reading this, mum, Happy Mother’s Day to you! Aren’t you proud of the business I’ve created?