Tuesday, March 9, 2004

With the recent hubbub surrounding my professorship, you may wonder what and where I’ve published. The answer is simple, gentle reader. Instead of publishing in high-falutin’ journals such as The Chronicle of Higher Education and/or Narnia, I publish in flyers–maximum reach with minimal feedback, all on a weekly basis.

I can see you running to me with flyer in hand, eager to point out how my findings are nonexistent. There’s a simple explanation for that, I assure you. I publish in anagrams. Here’s an example. A revelation that “all five gentle readers don’t care” could proactively turn into a “race to find eleven legal retards.” Notice the economical usage of letters. A supermarket flyer advertising “buy one chicken, get one free” and “20 oz. cappuccino mix on sale” could contain the title of a recent treatise such as “No Moor Elves: Genocide Evaluated and Championed.”

I’m sure you’ve many questions for me, and questions are indeed the lifeblood of academia, but for Pete’s sake please stop. I can only be so wise for so long. I theorized in an earlier publication, which is to say last week’s drugstore flyer, that Socrates started chugging on his hemlock unintentionally. His dimwitted followers probably tired him out with question after question after question, and Mr. Wizard-in-a-Toga mistook his poison for water.

He should’ve said straight up, “Oh, shitticus! Did I just drink what I thought I drank?”

Instead, the poor fellow got all brooding and philosophistical and he was like, “Oh, I meant to drink that. All part of the plan.”

Wait, you’re still here? Wasn’t that brief aside enough of a hint for you to leave? No? Then try your hand at unraveling this anagram: gettheuckoffmyporchf.