Friday, March 19, 2004

The recent rash of cold weather got me thinking, gentle reader, about all the undiscovered permutations of winter accessories. Take gloves, for instance. We’ve traditionally been forced to choose between gloves and mittens, though I have seen people sport three-fingered gloves. That’s all fine and dandy, but what if a designer picked up my idea for a one-fingered glove? Let me explain.

At first glance, you’d probably write this off as a needless addition to the glovosphere, and that’d be fair skepticism. After all, what could be gained from a model that seemingly offers less versatility? This is where I step in and smack your face with the proverbial leather shoe.

First, think of the amount of cloth saved with these puppies. You could clothe a small country or, for the consumer intent on purchasing the leather iteration, you could make an entire cow. Despite the overall decrease in materials used, your hands would stay just as warm, if not more so. Naysayers will undoubtedly decry the lack of flexibility and control, but exactly how much control do you need in subzero weather? Were you planning on rolling your piano onto a frozen lake to hold a little concert? No? Oh, then maybe you were about to operate on someone’s frickin’ pineal gland when my gloves got in your way.

Consider the other benefits. My SinguMitt would make you more confident. Let’s say it’s New Year’s Eve and you’re walking hand-in-hand with your fiancée, trying to decide where to eat.

“Why are you so indecisive?” s/he asks you. “Why can’t you–“

You throw up your free hand in despair and unwittingly point at a fancy restaurant.

“Oh!” says your beloved with a grin. “Why didn’t you say so? I’ve always wanted to try the place out.”

See? Smooth.

Sure, the SinguMitt would put you in a fine position to dole out static electricity. Sure, it would give you a head start in pushing buttons or jabbing people in the ribs. The most tempting use of the glove, however, would be to switch your pointer finger with your middle finger. In essence, you could furtively flip the birdie at passersby without any repercussions. I’m telling you, the only way you could be more secretive is if you stuck your middle finger up a stealth bomber.

This is an industry secret I’m giving you, dear reader. Tommy and Ralph? They’d be all over the SinguMitt if I told them first. Bet you didn’t know Christmas came in March, huh?