Thursday, April 8, 2004

They say you reveal your true self when tossed into the crucible of adversity, gentle reader, and I think I may have experienced some adversity yesterday afternoon. While walking to the parking lot, two fellows who trailed me out of the store accosted me, demanding that I hand over my possessions in broad daylight.

The exchange started amicably enough, with one guy asking to “borrow” my cellphone. When he grabbed my arm and forcibly attempted to “borrow” my phone, it occurred to me that he may not, in fact, have wanted to borrow in the traditional sense.

“You don’t want to mess with me,” he said as I retained my grip on my phone.

“I actually need to make a phone call,” I told him, and right there is Tip No. 1 for self improvement: don’t be condescending. I’ve been told that I’m polite, considerate, and all the rest, but it just goes to show that you never can tell for sure.

After failing to take my phone–bless Verizon and their horrific calling plans–he transitioned into the typical “Give me your money!” shtick.

“No,” I said. And there’s Tip No. 2: talk more. I’ve been told that I’m pretty quiet, an assessment I’d agree with, but in this case it would’ve been smarter to shout for help. Oh, well–hindsight and all that.

Having been foiled yet again, he made a grab for my shopping bag. We played tug-o’-war a bit, and much to my dismay I lost. As he and his buddy walked toward their car, I let fly with the classic rhetorical question.

“So can I have my stuff back?”

The two bumblefucks actually stopped a moment to think about this, giving me ample time to memorize their license plate. They ultimately ignored me, however, and peeled off into the sunset. Tip No. 3: ask more rhetorical questions.

I promptly called the fuzz, and so began an exciting evening filled with surveillance footage, not one but two big binders of mug shots, helpful personnel, and an honest-to-goodness detective. I’ve opted to prosecute Bumblefucks 1 and 2, so it promises to be a hot time in the old courthouse. I’d offer more concrete details, but you never know when the criminal element might steal a computer, run back to steal an optical mouse, and log on to Google. And type in “Secondhand Rants.”