Monday, July 5, 2004
You may think I wandered into the office like a dimwit today, gentle reader, and that I enjoy celebrating our independence by spreading advertisements across the Internet. You’d be dead wrong, of course, because I enjoy spreading advertisements across the Internet every day. I also wander into alleys and fjords, not just the office.
One-Woman Times relocated her page once again, but I’m going to retain the old link for its content. Besides, there’s a clear redirect at the top of the old journal, so if you focus really hard you should be able to click it. In her July 04 post she brings up the delicious wiliness of Argentinean furniture peddlers, which reminded me instantly of the guide I wrote. I christened the guide “Bargaining with Wily Argentinean Furniture Peddlers,” and it received high acclaim in numerous A-list periodicals. Don’t bother searching for it, though, because my publisher instituted a massive door-to-door recall when he realized that the guide was too powerful for public consumption. It’s like a national treasure coated in liquid value.
I’ll excerpt the book below. Pay rapt attention.
Aggressive Bargaining
You need to establish dominance by showing who the bigger furniture connoisseur is. Some call it being an arrogant sonuvabitch, but I call it savvy. Here’s a fine example I’ve transcribed for your reading pleasure.
“Alright, sir, that will be 200 pesos for the coffee table.”
“Excuse me, did you say 200 pesos?”
“Yes I did. Will that be counterfeit cash or credit?”
“200 pesos? You’re outta your mind. I believe the phrase you’re searching for is ’20 pesos for this pesoshit.'”
“No need to be rude, sir. This is a very high quality table.”
“High quality? Now you’re just lying. I bet I could whittle the stupid thing out of plywood and fancy.”
“There’s no need to make a scene, you know. And for your information, genuine natives made this table.”
“Oh, I have every right to make a scene. This is robbery! Genuine natives? From where? It’d probably be cheaper to build a sweatshop to make me a table.”
“If you don’t calm down, I’m going to have to call the police.”
“You know, I was thinking the same thing. Maybe they could put YOU away.”
“Look, we can talk this over.”
“You’re stupid.”
“You just made my inner child weep. Here, take the coffee table. Take it!”
Passive Bargaining
While the aggressive approach may prove endlessly entertaining, it requires a lot of energy. Sometimes indifference is the best approach. Show them you don’t care, that you have many options. I actually wandered over to another vendor at the same flea market after practicing my aggressive technique. The neutral approach worked like a charm.
“You picked out a fine umbrella holder, mister. 50 pesos, please.”
“Excuse me, who are you?”
“What do you mean? We were just talking furniture.”
“Is that so? Well, I guess I’m about 50 pesos shy of caring.”
“What did you say?”
“Oh, nothing. I thought I wanted that umbrella holder, but I don’t anymore. I’ll go back to that other vendor.”
“The one who’s five stalls down? Didn’t you buy a coffee table from him?”
“Yes.”
“Why is he crying?”
“Because I offered him a very generous price for the coffee table.'”
“Really?”
“Yes. He almost paid me to take this furniture, but I told him tears were enough.”
“Amazing! I’ll give you the umbrella holder for 5 pesos.”
“Deal.”
There’s another approach or two, but I’ll leave it at that. Above all, remember the cardinal rule for furniture buying: you’ve got to be the furniture to buy the furniture.