Wednesday, July 7, 2004
One of my professors once explained, in a poetic moment set against a lazy afternoon, that most people only retain twenty to thirty percent of spoken conversation, forty if they know they’re being tested. If this theory holds true, then most students either missed the point entirely or hastily wrote “twenty to thirty tested conversations” in their notes.
I used to retain more than forty percent–or so I’ve been told, I hope–but recently I’ve noticed my capacity drop significantly, so much so that I’m clearly going to have trouble ordering at, like, an IHOP a decade or two down the road.
“Hi, welcome to International House of Pancakes. Can I take your order?”
“Wait, you only sell cake? Why not pancakes? I bet those internationals stole all of it. Never did trust those foreigners myself.”
Or what if you’re sitting at a fancy restaurant with a hot date when your listening comprehension fails you?
“–but the real reason I started skydiving is because there’s a sense of solitude when you’re suspended up in the sky. It’s a complete rush, but it’s a thoughtful rush, you know?”
“That’s fascinating. Have you ever gone skydiving before? Heard it’s fun. We should totally go sometime.”
The classic example, one we’ve probably all witnessed or experienced firsthand, is the infamous classroom scene.
“And that’s why the third differential works out so elegantly. Jane, would you like to add anything to the discussion?”
“Um…differential.”
The most obvious solution for this problem, of course, is to listen carefully, but that’s far less attractive than a pill or a device. Since there’s a glut of diet pills on the market right now, I want to innovate. Let’s go with the device.
I’d call my contraption the Speakeasier, and from a design perspective it’d be as small and simple to use as a deceased Tamagotchi. Record four replies into the gadget and that’s it! Here are the four replies:
Brilliant!
I’ve never thought of it that way.
Same thing as always.
Can I get back to you on that?
The advanced AI delivers these replies, in glorious CD-quality audio, based on inflection and keywords. In other words, if the gadget detects an excited speaker, it would reply with an excited phrase.
“I finally found the coat I wanted!”
“Brilliant!”
Let’s test the Speakeasier with our erstwhile examples, shall we?
“Hi, welcome to International House of Pancakes. Can I take your order?”
“Same thing as always.”
“–but the real reason I started skydiving is because there’s a sense of solitude when you’re suspended up in the sky. It’s a complete rush, but it’s a thoughtful rush, you know?”
“I’ve never thought of it that way.”
“And that’s why the third differential works out so elegantly. Jane, would you like to add anything to the discussion?”
“Same thing as always. Can I get back to you on that? “
The potential for customer dissatisfaction, however, is ever present.
“Do you love me?”
“Can I get back to you on that?”
“Fluffy just died!”
“Brilliant!”
If this ever happens, you should probably just run away.