Thursday, July 29, 2004

A thousand years ago, when the Nile swelled with sweet ferocity and kittens were mummified on a daily basis, the process of writing cover letters stood as a venerated art. If you were stuck in the working class, you didn’t have too many career choices. You could haul stones around or–and this option wouldn’t require references upon request–you could die.

These circumstances placed a dire premium on cover letters, and my Archaeology Department recently unearthed a very telling piece of papyrus.

For the love of Ra, please give me this job! I am very strong. I love the sun and all its UV rays. Sandstone has been–and always will be–my favorite rock to haul. Everything I know I learned from my great uncle, who died under tons of marble while working on a ‘pyramid’ at Giza. Thanks in advance for your time.

Filled with inspiration, faced with imminent mortality, these job applicants doubtless poured their souls into these letters. Why don’t we see the same passion today? Why do we read, in the place of urgent and honest missives, piles and piles of text wrapped in deception? Here’s a snippet from a cover letter I found on my desk yesterday morning.

…and after spending four months acting as Lead Director for pushbutton marketing solutions, I spread my wings and revolutionized our Seven Sigma training program. In fact, one of my co-workers slapped me on the back one morning and said, “Hey, you’ll always be Captain Synergy in my eyes.” This reminds me…

It droned on and on and on, eventually forcing me to buy a parrot, a cage, some laxatives for the parrot, and no cage lining, which allowed me to use the cover letter to catch Polly’s shit. Read that five times fast.

It’s time to go back to our roots. Who cares about “skill sets”? I certainly don’t. I want honesty, the untamed kind, as well as a compelling narrative. I don’t want to say, “Wow, Jack seems like such a perfect candidate. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I want to know the who and the what and the why right now. That’s why I’ve drafted the perfect cover letter. Make sure to copy this to all your potential employers. They’ll thank you for it. I think.

When I was in prison five months ago, I spent many an evening wondering whether Bruno “Who’s Yo Daddy, I’m Yo Daddy” Jones managed to construct another shiv. I got so nervous thinking about this that I started collecting all the cigarette butts I could find. It’s a hobby I enjoy to this day.

After suffering through innumerable mind-melting terrors, I finally tasted freedom. I spent my first few days collecting stray dogs and looking for gainful employment. That’s when I heard about your company. I would spend days reading about your founders, and countless nights would find me latched onto the shrubbery surrounding your office complex, high-powered binoculars and sniper rifle in hand. The sniper rifle was for all those noisy squirrels, by the way. The binocs? Those were for you, baby.

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