Wednesday, August 11, 2004

If you lack the experience to make an A-movie or, let’s face it, even a B-movie, the next best option is to make a C-movie. Naysayers and cinephiles have told me on various occasions that C-movies don’t exist, which is clearly a bold-faced lie I intend to address. I mean, it’s fine if you need to count sheep to sleep peacefully at night, but to dismiss a fertile industry still in its infancy? Pure poppycock.

In a recent interview with F!, E! Online’s uglier and raunchier backwater cousin, I touched upon some key points of C-moviemaking.

F!: Glad to have you with us today. We originally had Quentin on board for an insider’s look at his next project, but then we figured, “Hell, let’s try something new!” And here you are instead.

SR: You made the right choice.

F!: [laughs]

SR: Was that a joke? Did it sound like a joke to you?

F!: Right. So the C-movie phenom. When did it start exactly?

SR: Yesterday. Right in my den. I was puffing the magic dragon, totally baked like a frickin’ cruller, and it came to me: Why can’t I win the Palme d’Or? Why shouldn’t I? Shit, I could probably win two of them simultaneously.

F!: But they only give out–

SR: Do I look like I’m finished? Look at my shirt. Does it say, “I’M DONE WITH MY INTERVIEW, THANK YOU VERY MUCH”? Does it?

F!: No, no it doesn’t.

SR: Well, then I guess I’ll continue.

F!: Please.

SR: So I’m sitting there, I’m absolutely stoked on this idea of mine, and then I realize most movies need a producer, writer, director, key grips, all that jazz. Traditionally.

F!: People you could never hope to hire, you mean.

SR: On the contrary, I have all the money in the world. I’m just a do-it-yourself kinda guy.

F!: Alright, so what did you actually do?

SR: First thing I did was take out my wallet. I saw I had $7.21, which was more than enough.

F!: More than enough for what?

SR: Why, to produce a C-movie!

F!: I think this interview is over.

SR: Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong. People need to watch C-movies. Those alleged A- and B-movies have way too much flash and fazzle. C-movies strip cinema down to its bare essentials. It’s like having Scorscese and de Palma spit into a cup. And then you take that cup and drink it all.

F!: Did you go to film school?

SR: Yes, of course. I went to [coughing fit], graduated top of my class. Anyway, the next step is to find actors. I tried to option all the big names in the industry, but then an epiphany struck me. I could make my actor.

F!: [silence]

SR: Amazing, right? So I took my seven bucks, went to the drug store, and got some construction paper and a pen. I poured my heart and creative vibes into my movie. Blood, tears, sweat, a near divorce, I risked it all. Here it is.

F!: This…this is a flipbook.

SR: What?

F!: It’s a flipbook, a stupid little flipbook!

SR: Actually, it’s a C-movie. It’s so great. If you turn the pages really, really quickly, the little man moves. Look at him go! The few people who saw the test screening all agree that it’s at least as good as Chronicles of Riddick. Man, I’m in my happy place now.

F!: You’re right. This is better than most of crap I’ve seen, and I’ve seen a lot.

SR: Well, I’m looking forward to coming back next week.

F!: Are you wearing your pants backwards?

SR: Look, I’ve gotta run. I feel a sequel coming on.