Friday, February 18, 2005

I went to a fortuneteller during lunch today, gentle reader, and after I paid her five clams she settled into ethereal silence.

“By the spirit of my dead terrier, I know what you must do!” she abruptly shouted out of her reverie.

“What?” I asked, my eyes darting to the exit.

“You must talk about Lent, because your readers haven’t heard enough about it this week,” and that was the sound of my five dollars disappearing.

Minutes later, the men-in-white broke down the door, wrapped her in a straitjacket, and brought her home.

This is the last time I talk about Lent until March 26. I started my sugar embargo thinking it’d be easy, an amusement I’d bat around and later call a fad. Yesterday I went to the supermarket believing it was, by all accounts, a place for buying stuff to eat, when in fact it turned out to be a library. Every label met careful scrutiny. Sugar. Corn syrup. Fructose. Even dextrose. All of these I’m avoiding, with the sole exception of the fruit the good Lord stuck into the soil.

You know what I realized over my morning bowl of grits? What they say about Lent might actually be true. You think about things, things other than what you relinquished, simply because of what’s not there. Did that make sense? In the absence, in the differential, is a chance to focus on other affairs. You also feel healthier. Sharper. But you’ve got to give up something you really enjoy.

Also, if an ingredient listing is more than three lines long, your bloodstream probably isn’t begging for the particular foodstuff. What was the author thinking? “You know, I’m seized by a burning need to insert War and Peace between sodium nitrate and red #40”?

I’ve got to leave now. Grits for breakfast aren’t doing it for me, especially since I was enjoying Timon and Pumbaa’s “Mud & Bugs” not more than a week ago. My work buddy suggested visiting the organic foods section, which I didn’t even see, so we’re going food shopping.

It’s on, baby, and only willful sloth or paralysis shall stop me. This is for real. Wish me luck. See you on Monday.