Thursday, March 30, 2006

Nigerian royalty regularly passes through my inbox, ferried by heartwrenching e-mail after heartwrenching e-mail, and after this month’s entreaty for donations–a complicated process involving shadowy government agents, double dealings, and Paypal–truth dawned on me, as if it were a zipped attachment. The Internet is a sensory overload. Imagine an unfiltered television on which anybody could appear, for free, simply on impulse.

The answer, of course, is specialization. Imagine if you had to choose one Internet each week. Which would you prefer?

The Glinternet
Can you believe some people honestly enjoy clicking on ads? Well, some people honestly enjoy clicking on ads. The Glinternet starts as a gigantic flashing fullscreen button that says, “SHOOT THE COCKROACH TO WIN SOME FREE ELECTRONICS,” whereupon overcoming your epileptic fit long enough to comply will lead you to a smaller flashing ad.

This new ad asks you to “TRADE YOUR SOUL FOR 1,000 FREE SMILEY FACES.” As soon as you click, a neon error window appears with promises of fixing your computer, you enter your credit card number, and then your Bonzi Buddy lies to you.

The Clinternet
All Clint, all the time, unless you tick the 1×1 pixel box to opt-out. The Clinternet boasts video-on-demand, which means you can demand The Rookie in DivX format on Mondays through Saturdays, Dirty Harry on Sundays. Upgrade to premium service to access Hundred Dollar Baby, the direct-to-video sequel that’s uncut. It’s the “slambang, white-knuckle film spectacle of the year that will knock your teeth out!” declares Pete Travers.

Every Thursday afternoon, you’ll be able to voice your opinion through an online poll fed directly to Clint.

The protagonist in my next movie should
A. Die
B. Die
C. Die
D. Die

If the poll doesn’t go your way, don’t worry. Just spearhead one of those online petitions, because we all know how well those work.

The Winternet
If you like spending winters in Chicago, or periodically enjoy getting locked into walk-in freezers, by all means choose the Winternet! Platinum members get to play that one game where you whack the penguin as far as possible. Bronze members have full access to a forum where they can discuss watching other people play the penguin game.

All members, however, get a nifty mouse cursor that trails–you guessed it–snow and holiday cheer! Best of all, you’ll have the keys to the weather kingdom: a premium account on Weather.com! Hurrah! What’s in a premium account, you ask? I imagine the same accurate readings:

40°F
(Feels like -15°F)

And less melodramatic headlines:

NORTHEAST DECIMATED BY THE WRATH OF THE FROST KING