Monday, December 18, 2006

What they conveniently omit in the driver’s manual is that traffic here draws liberally from two staples: first, an Autobahn mentality where the goal, weather permitting, is to hit a cool 55 in a school zone to get to das Hardee’s des größer Charlotte-Metro area in a timely fashion. Couple this with the year-round custom of turning onto major roads as slowly as possible and, really, whenever you damn well please, and you’ll begin to understand the horrors of holiday traffic.

The mall, best as I can tell, apparently houses some kind of unbelievably awesome artifact, the likes of which will melt into the void in seven days. I imagine there’s a plasma television that flips channels on its own accord, possibly a Tickle You Elmo, or perhaps a Fabergé egg containing the secrets of why you’d want a Fabergé egg.

It would’ve taken a good half hour to get some gas today, such was the traffic, and fortunately I wised up and made a u-turn. Gas. You’ve heard of it? It’s the must-have holiday item of ’06, and it’ll have to wait until tomorrow. I’m beginning to think the mall really doesn’t have the present to end all presents. Maybe some people don’t even care about the gifts. The true meaning of Christmas? It’s the rush and the gridlock.