Tuesday, August 19, 2008

You should know the posts presented to you twice weekly hail from antiquity, literally so, and I’m referring here not to the quality of thought or anything pertaining to the content, but rather the text itself, which comes from a keyboard that may just be older than your house and dog combined. The computer connected to it is incrementally better, a hodgepodge of vintage pieces and inherited turn-of-the-century technology I cobbled together one Saturday afternoon.

The only newish component is the monitor I recently acquired, a shiny 19″ affair with speakers and–heaven help us!–composite connections on the side. It’s basically like a television without any channels, a conundrum I quickly resolved by hooking up my old Xbox, smacking people in face with a riot shield before shooting them, and then collecting, like, five Grand Slam titles in a row. I’ve since had a rude awakening to how much my hand-eye coordination has atrophied. You play a ninja fighting other ninjas, fair enough, but then heavily armed troops send a hail of gunfire your way, which you block with your sword, and then this helicopter starts launching missiles, and then these flying robots shoot lasers at you, and then–oh shiiiiiit–the erstwhile troops hop into a tank and blow you up. Suddenly you’re standing on the corner of Fun and Stress.

I’ve wanted to jam the stupid disc into the stupid wall on a few occasions now, and it may just be the impetus to unhook everything. Keep in mind, too, this is the original Xbox, a relic from Chicago that I bought myself as a signing bonus when I landed this gig in Charlotte. There’s a very real reason for why I embrace this technological ascetism. Sure, I’d like nothing more than to drop a few grand on a Voodoo, stroll out of Best Buy with a 60″ plasma, and buy the latest Playstation Ultra 720 Squared or whatever. But then it’d be over. I’d be an unwashed, bloodshot mess, and in short order I’d find myself sitting in a circle at the Y, eyeing the snack table in the back while holding forth on how I don’t have a problem. Honest.