Tuesday, September 30, 2008

As the gas crunch and impending financial apocalypse threaten actual apocalypse à la Mad Max, and with Mel Gibson seemingly unavailable to save us, we can only turn to ourselves to draft a contingency plan. I’m using the royal “we,” of course, because really you’re on your own. Let’s see: I’ve got popcorn, chicken, oatmeal, and a liter of water on backup. Sustenance, check. It probably won’t make a difference now to tell you I also own a secret bag of frozen vegetables, which I plan on bartering for a compass. Not really in a chicken mood, moreover, so I may just trade for weapons. Homegoods was all out.

Now, when the rolling blackouts start–and sweep they will–we’ll need to rendezvous at Sanctuary Point. You may know it as the ancient brick church down by Old Man Wiley’s farm, corner of Lawnhaven and Crestmoore. Or what’s left of Crestmoore, anyway. And watch your back. Waypoint B6 is reporting an uptick of Chinese people in quadrant seven. Crazy, huh? They’ve been taking our jobs, goddamn it, and now they’re taking our land.

Set traps if you must. Apparently they don’t eat real protein? They just have to want to believe they’re eating protein. Melamine. Leastways that’s what that egghead Wellenback used to call it before they got to him, rest his soul. Like moths to a flame, he’d say. Soused as all get out on the stuff. I did a dead drop by the dumpster behind the Red Lobster. Four kilos. Brown package. Look for it, but make sure you turn the stop sign 90 degrees clockwise when you leave.

They blew up the nearby Verizon tower. Gone. Nothing but rubble. Signal’s dead. Wait, no, I’m getting a single bar! Praise the L– It’s dead again. Shit. We’ll need to find other LOC’s. No way we can count on this website. Three, four hours tops, and it’s lights out. But we shall not go into the dark of night. Well, at least until sunset hits. I’d send you the next post–call it a communiqué, please–via falcon, but I only have one left. Bird flu got the other six. Hope your Morse code’s up to snuff. Look to the lighthouse on Thursday. If you make it until then.