Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The art of escaping a church building isn’t particularly well documented. It’s a feat dulled by routine, a once elegant act of departure made pliant, no doubt, by centuries of censorial pressure, and so I thought I’d commit to Internet paper tonight the steps I take to leave places of worship. It all begins outside, on the pavement.

You have to realize it’s not just you who’s congregating. Your car is also gathered with other vehicles outside, all pew-like and probably just as drowsy as you are, and it’s critical you’re situated near the correct parking lot exit. Ideally you’ll only need to make right turns to hit the main road. You’ll also want to avoid three- and four-way intersections, because most people are hella polite immediately after a service, when even normally douchebaggy motorists become uncannily patient and gracious.

As far as where to park yourself inside the sanctuary, good ol’ classroom rules apply, especially if nodding off–and caring about nodding off–is your thing. Think of the hot zone, or the area that draws the most visual contact from center stage, as a sideways “8,” about two to three rows thick in the front and back, thinner on the sides, which places your ideal spot somewhere closer to the rear, two seats in from the side.

I was going to mention what exactly you should do with any smoke grenades or pulleys you may possess, but that’s more pertinent to leaving early. Like, during the sermon, right between points one and two. What we’ve discussed is the basic plan and, come Thursday, I’ll tell you how it was slightly derailed this past Sunday.