Tuesday, September 15, 2009

With a fully functional HVAC system at my disposal, I regale you from a place of comfort tonight, ambient temperature calibrated to a soothing 76 degrees Fahrenheit, mental faculties completely free of humidity, and every button on my keyboard at your service, primed to clack away as we convene for our Tuesday ritual. Back in July, when lukewarm air suddenly began to issue forth from all the vents, I turned to the Internet for help. My trusty contact was on vacation that week, unfortunately, and in his place appeared an ancient, stringy fellow with missing front teeth.

I offer you these details not because teeth are required for HVAC expertise, but because I wish to honor the narrative tradition. The Pirate, let us call him, recounted a litany of misfortune as he unloaded his truck. He proudly displayed a fresh scar from a car accident, then reminisced about his kidneys, and finally, in a stirring epilogue, spoke of how he suffered a heart attack recently and didn’t even know it. It was wretched. There was empathy, if only because I could appreciate a string of unfortunate events. He replenished the Freon, the air conditioning sprung back to life, and I gladly wrote him a check, hoping some of the dollars would go toward his good health.

And then, a month-and-a-half later, the Freon was gone. This stuff is supposed to last, mind you, and I subconsciously cast the first stone at the Pirate. Again, teeth and heart? Not prerequisites. I wasn’t in the market for a dentist or a cardiologist, after all, and yet I couldn’t help but wonder whether a serviceperson who–

A) Possessed a full set of choppers and
B) Wasn’t at death’s door

–might’ve done a better job.

I chose to wonder no more, so I picked up– Well, you’ll have to wait until Thursday for the rest. Make sure to bring all your teeth when you return, and we shall talk of many things: substance abuse. Bone-crushing pressure. The Greater Theorem of Wrench-Dodgeball Avoidability. There may even be light profanity. I plan to deliver on this last point, bare minimum, because it appears tonight’s discussion has been woefully deficient in this department, without so much as an aitch-ee-double-hockey-sticks. Shameful, really.