Thursday, March 11, 2010

Somewhere, somehow, an inventor is putting the last few flourishes on a special stove designed primarily for fools like me. The stove is normal in appearance, mundane in functionality, but it is unique because it only burns the first time you touch it. Every subsequent touch actually rewards you, indeed verbally praises you, for your persistence. Such an appliance doesn’t exist, obviously, but it’s metaphorically valuable for our discussion tonight. We’re going to talk about cars! Specifically my car.

You may recall the series of unfortunate events that befell me earlier this year, when disaster struck repeatedly and I was left none the wiser. Like a moth to the flame, I returned to the dealership three, four times, progressively setting more and more cash on the altar of Saab in burnt offerings for the health of my automobile. They finally fixed the issue, and we’re going on two months of uninterrupted service.

I started looking at new cars when I was in the thick of these repairs. Nothing concrete, mind you. It was purely exploratory: parsed out the trade-in value of my current ride, read some reviews, skimmed Consumer Reports, and had it in mind that I’d go Japanese again. Altimas, Maximas, Corollas, Civics, and Accords seemed like good choices, until a few of these brands decided to go red-light, green-light, all around the same time. Suddenly my own problems didn’t seem so extraordinary. Saab then found a buyer at the last minute, saved itself from the chopping block, and in short order the fear of hard-to-find parts also evaporated. Relieved, I surfed over to their website for the press release.

And then I clicked on this son of a bitch. I knew–still know–in the back of my mind that the sensible course of action would be to swap my money trap for something reliable, like a Civic or really anything besides another Saab. But as soon as I saw those glossy photos of the new 9-5 and pored over the features, dopamine levels were off the charts. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice–can I take it for a test drive? I like the aesthetic. The car is shaped in such a way that it soothes me. I’ve already rationalized that Spyker will right the wrongs of the past, reclaiming the fine Swedish construction of legend. Most of all, though, it’s the HUD that’s compelling. A heads-up display. Like in a fighter jet! Because, goddammit, I can’t be bothered with looking down at the dashboard while piloting a depreciating asset.